12-11-09 Winding Down but not Finished Yet..

I have not posted in like forever. I guess putting the words to page was just more than I could actually manage. Life keeps you busy. But it also throws you for a loop when you least expect it. Things End. Some things stay the same. I wanted to be one of the things that stay the same but It gets real hard sometimes. My weekend was always the place where I was able to be myself and retreat from the real world. That's what this blog was all about when I started it. Gradually I got more comfortable sharing not just my fun side but parts of myself. I started writing about real life. But real life came up behind me and threw me under the bus.

I never wanted to provide enough information beyond names and places so that I would ever embarrass myself, or my friends or any of the places I hang out.

However it gets really hard to stay happy and upbeat when tragedy hits you at home. My world is far different now.
I'm still myself.
I still have a good time.
I still have my friends
(friends who have been there for me and given me the strong shoulder to lean on, and cry next to and give me the toast to life that I needed and still need).
But things will never be the same. Now that the writing drought is broken maybe I will remember to write more often. (Hopefully my other writing will also be done on a more regular basis also)

Hopefully next year will be SOOO much better. It can't get much worse. But I still (currently) have a place to live, an internet connection and HD television. Without those things I think I would have gone mad long ago.

My emotions are always right under the surface now so when I am alone I am sensitive and loud but am also more empathetic than I've ever been in my whole life. Fresh pain does that to you I guess. Time heals all wounds I'm told. I'll see.

Thank goodness for friends, music, and places to go and dance (and have a good drink).

Clean - Hmm. I guess I have not tried hard enough

Created by Oatmeal

Sound Test

Created by Oatmeal

10-27-09 - Alone

The clock dials move, the time goes past and I feel the dark enfold
The hours crawl by and days roll on as I feel the time get old
I wonder if I should move, I wonder if I should think
Maybe I’ll just go to the kitchen, and get myself a drink
I cannot change the past as much as I need
I want there to be a future where I do not move at this speed

The empty space grows larger, just how large I cannot tell.
The gnawing inside myself for now I cannot dispel
The presence and the life once led are something sorely missed
While others reach from afar to save me from the abyss
The tunnel of dark stretches onward and deep, no light is there in sight
In brightest part of the coldest day the time still feels like night

From dawn to dusk, from horizon to hill,
The valley is wider and the river is not filled
It’s said Time heals all things and makes pain go away
But that time is not now, and that time is not today
The world has changed and we are here to stand witness
What is gone is still gone and forever is what is missed
When no one else is there and friends return to where they dwell
That is when I am alone, and my heart is alone as well

10-18-09 - Back from There

I know I said I was not going away for vacation but hey sometimes we need to get away. I took the ride up with Carlo, Rob, and Trec and hung out for the weekend in Montreal. I enjoyed time by myself in between the parties as well as the city and meeting new friends and did plenty of dancing the night away.

I feel good to have come back clear-headed and upbeat with plenty of good times with friends and good music to remember.

Thinking more and more about what my plans past the time of vacation, it seems to be I think I am still up in the air but at the same time my thoughts are settling down. The flux of events is rolling by in ways both expected and unexpected. Despite the madness that keeps occurring I am enjoying myself regardless. As I must.

My friends seem to be in flux now too. From growing more distant, to growing closer to just acting strangely. I think sometimes I just need to be there to witness and to catalyze the changes. The chaos has no meaning without a witness to tell the tale. I will watch, wonder, and then smile..

Special thanks on my multiple nights out in the city:
Gym
Splash

9-24-09 - The Summer comes to a close - The next season begins..

I was very happy this past weekend to party on Governor's Island and see the Freemasons first U.S. appearance. The final weekend of the summer was very festive for sure. I met a lot of friends both old and new and had a good time till the last song. Saw Christian, Brett, Alex, James and Joe MG. At the end I left and rode back with Jackie and Vervin. The ferry ride back to the mainland was anti-climactic as was walking back to City Hall so I could catch a taxi back to BK. But getting home OK was its own reward.

With the arrival of fall the difference between the day and the night is readily apparent. Having to carry a jacket with one reminds me of my trips to San Francisco, or to Amsterdam. I can deal with being prepared for the day as well as the night as I have always been a fan of being prepared for whatever. The days are getting shorter and time for the reign of the night is at hand. This also means the time of the year when I have also had more issues with getting up and going home without incident.

However this year my winter wear is far more advanced than any times past and my knowledge of what to expect and how to continue is more advanced than ever.

As I am still unsure of what to do with my days, and how to manage my time in-between weekends, I will continue to devise new means of occupying myself. Any sort of writing at all (even on my blog) goes towards shattering my writer's block. Or at least provide an outlet for the words I need to have expressed.

I still don't have my next purpose mapped out but at the very least I am getting a better sense of what it should be. I have been in a sort of limbo for far too long and I need to settle, and reorient and at least devise a plan of action. I've been flying by the seat of my pants for quite a while now and now that I actually have to worry about paying for my med coverage I now have a sort of incentive to do something that pays my bills and not just stuff that makes bills.

It was true that I needed a break and a time to re-orient after working for the company for so long but at the same time I can't let my bad experience color my outlook on all future types of gainful employment. Until I have reached a certain level of independence I still need to keep that sort of option open. I still have my friends but I have yet to have the desire to push any sort of dependence on any of them yet for job offers, placement, people to give resume's to or the like. It will be some time before we reach that level of need let alone the desire.

For now I will continue as we have done and let my dreams and interests guide my focus and do my best to keep my mind open until I am doing what I need to do, and I am in the place that I need to be. The day is coming and I am insomniac through the night awaiting that dawn.

9-15-09 - People are crazy, but I enjoy them anyways

I have journeyed into the late night and enjoyed the times. I have managed to show my newest bartenders what I expect so I can get the drinks that I want when I want them. I have learned to hydrate before, during and after so that I wake up just as fresh as I usually am in the afternoons after eating lunch. The DURING seems to be the most important and I will continue to do this because I enjoy the effect it has on my morning attitude (and breath).

I have gone to Mickey D's at 4am and actually read a book while waiting for dinner to finish being served and so I could have a sausage mcmuffin. I only did that once though. Eating a hot dog or some nice leftovers at home is just as good, doesn't require a wait and doesn't waste my time.

I try not to be surprised by people, especially when they appear to be inebriated. But for the second weekend in a row I was surprised at the fluidity of peoples supposed preferences when greasy food is involved.

I also found out that bad situations (like having your car towed) are better when you have friends around because they help you formulate a plan, keep you company and you can watch the more inebriated suffer more than you.

I also was able to get to the gym twice the past week (Thursday and Saturday) and also helped one of my friends set up his netbook. The weekend was capped off with an impromptu stop at a club on Varick street that was awfully packed for a Sunday night with a non-holiday Monday. I saw Kenny Kenny perform and had too many Corona for my own good. I still managed to leave before it was too late, get home from Broadway fairly easily and got down to my Sunday sleep much earlier than my usual Sunday insomnia allows.

The doctor says I am healthy (still) and I even still have good cholesterol. The prospects for this fall are getting better all the time. We will enjoy for sure.

Fun stops along the way:
Gym
G Lounge
Splash
Vandam Sundays @ Greenhouse

09/09/09 - Another day, Another Season, And now it begins..

Another week has just flown by. I don’t know where the time goes but it does go rather quickly. I’ve made the first of the fall CDs which was actually the final of the three beach mix CDs. I still need to get around to doing the original mixes but the ideas for the next three compilations are all set up.

Have met plenty of new people over the weekend(s) and have had some great times just hanging out, dancing and talking with family and friends. From clubs, to bars, to roof decks. We go and meet and greet and the party continues on those nights. As long as I am fit and happy I will be happy to make an an appearance. My sisters have even started to follow my diet regimen of eating small meals whenever one is hungry and also doing more exercise.

I would have done more exercise myself but was getting over a shoulder injury and had to visit the doctor today, so the Wednesday was kinda booked. Tomorrow is another day.

And I wrote a poem 8 yrs ago that I cannot seem to find (damn you lost and crashed PC) that I have been trying to locate seems to really be gone. I guess If I happen to find that 8 year old printout I can retype and re-enter it into cyber print but that seems less and less likely each day.

We will have to see how the autumn rolls in with the colder weather seeming to already be here.

I have a lot to look forward to. A lot has been done but we still require more before we are finished. We are never finished..

We give our shoutouts to the fun places along the way.
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

08-25-09 - Shock but no Aww. And still we rise.

I have decided I'm not going to Canada on vacation in October. I will save myself and my time and wait for November to travel.

In the meantime I have plenty to occupy myself in and around the city.

The one low moment of feeling bad was Saturday afternoon when I had to send the erase/kill order to my old phone since it had taken an out-of-state trip without me.

This past weekend included more strangeness than most. I lost my shatter-proof night lenses, lost phone and even fell down the stairs (well just 3 stairs). Someone had spilled a drink on the stairs and left them nice and shiny slippery.

Scratched knuckles aside I ended the weekend on a high note with a boat cruise on the Hudson, the bay and into the East River. Some great city pics and a good time had by all.

It was one of the first weeks in a while I was able to workout as much as I wanted to. I felt very good during all of the travails of the weekend and still had a lot of fun.

New phone has now arrived and we are all setup with the new. We will go into the autumn with new hardware and plenty of other new things that we will await to unfold. Until then..

Good times thanks to:
Gym
G Lounge
Splash
And shout out to the teams..
Softball

08-18-09 - Am I, Do I

Am I, Do I
Do I think too highly, do I expect too much
Am I too hard on things I should leave and not touch
Do I expect the world when l go look for mine
Am I dreaming when I expect what I do not yet find

Do I settle for what I feel I can get
Am I wasting my time on the traps that are set
Do I think that it’s done and finished for true
Am I silent with nothing to say or to do
No, I Do what I Am, For I Am as I do,
A Lifelong dream it is time to make true

Until I read every book, and see every showing
I know there is out there, more knowledge for knowing
Especially the tales that I have not yet told
The ones that I dream, the ones that are bold
The tales will be told will be grand on those days
As I dream tales anew and new smiles are always

08/18/09 - Actual Chat Text.. Sometimes I wonder..

Actual Chat Text:

Person: U see another gay movie
Response: The first one
Person: I have not
Response: Thanx for sharing
Person: Id like to
Response: Its nice to have goals

Random friend was the person. I was the response. Sometimes my friends really make me wonder. Other times I kinda know what to expect..

8-14-09 - 50 Plus - Questions that is..

50 Plus - Answers to questions that is :-P - If I was being interviewed by Babwa Wawa..

1. What time did you get up this morning?
9am (I was returning from vacation)

2. How do you like your steak?
Medium Well.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Star Trek

4. What is your favorite TV show?
True Blood

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
NYC

6. What did you have for breakfast today?
Pringles

7.What is your favorite cuisine?
American usually Southern

8. What foods do you dislike?
Nasty Food. Food that is alive. And Peaches and Pears

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
My House but if I’m not cooking I like Wendy’s or Denny’s

10. Favorite dressing?
Spicy French Dressing (Catalina French)

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
I do not drive, I use chauffeurs only. Some of those chauffeurs drive the subway.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Something comfortable, looks good and wears well.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Australia and the reef

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full
I drank it already. If there is still something in it then it might be half full.

15. Where would you want to retire?
Someplace with space and a maid.

17. Where were you born?
Yonkers NY but I quickly ran away.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Basketball, but I like watching Rugby, and the Olympics

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Whatever, I am not gonna keep track or hunt people down. I’m busy.

20. If you could go back in time, how far would you go back and why?
I would go back to around when I got my first job and tell me to save my money and stop
Wasting money on useless gadgets, MLMs and the stock market.

21. If there was a Zombie Apocalypse who would you want with you?
The Predator

22. Bird watcher?
I recognize them but I let them come to me I don’t go looking in the woods for birds.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night person, The morning is evil.

24. Do you have any pets?
No. I’m too busy and I can always visit other peoples pets. That way somebody else pays for the food.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I wanna go back to the beach.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Everything. I did not want to specialize. I wanted to be good at everything and no matter who I met I knew I could still do something they could not do.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Summer at my Grandma’s house

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I don’t have either but like visiting both.

29. Are you married?
Not yet. Someday tho.

32. Any pet peeves?
People who ask for obvious or readily available information, People who block the sidewalks and narrow walkways, People who let their kids wreak havoc and then let them get away with it, Ignorant stupid people, Nasty cooking odors from people who don’t know how to cook.

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Pepperoni, but I will eat almost any topping except olives or fish

34. FAVORITE FLOWER?
The last ones to fade and die.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla Ice Cream w/ Rainbow Sprinkles

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Wendy’s - All fast food in moderation, I prefer cooking myself though.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Never taken driving test. I do have the permit though

38. From whom did you get your last email?
I get email every few seconds on 3 accounts. I have no idea. Facebook?

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Century 21. I would need a U-Haul to get it all home.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I gave a dollar to a drag queen

41. Like your job?
I liked my job once. That was like 7 years ago. After that It all went down hill.

42. ...Broccoli?
Usually once a week. It is good for you. Calcium and Fiber.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Cruise through the caribbean, went to 5 different islands, took some amazing photos and danced almost every night.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Pais

45. What are you listening to right now?
Eyewitness news. My newest tea dance house mix was the soundtrack to the ride home.

46. What is your favorite color?
Blue. And whatever color goes with it. I am trying to branch out and be more unpredictable.

47. How many tattoos do you have, what and where?
1, It’s in chinese and on my shoulder.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
I will pick them kind of random and don’t require anything in return.

49. What are you wearing?
Ginch Gonch (I was traveling), Baseball New York All Star Game Tee Shirt.

50. Coffee Drinker?
Social, at Denny’s, when on vacation.

7/28/09 - The Mind moves in mysterious ways

I keep reiterating to myself what my plans are and then the plans kind of mutate into something new and different. I guess I am having a hard time following through still.

I go through the busy weekend to the slow week and my mind is still moving a mile a minute when midnite rolls around on a Tuesday. I guess I can blame the weekend habits and I guess I haven't done enough to make my midweek return to enough of a regular kind of schedule. Every week we at least try to learn by experience and keep it moving in the direction on how to change it all for the better.

For example I have learned while riding the exercise bike at the gym with the newest feedback and heart rate readings that I now know how to concentrate and to slow down my heartbeat temporarily. This ends up being very helpful when one has to go to sleep and needs to calm down. Just relax, release and dream.

I also now know there is a thin line between feeling antsy and a short nap. I will go with the result of whichever one fits the situation at hand. Nap for the couch at home, antsy fits the bill when its the weekend.

The times are crystallizing around us if we stay too still. I need to keep in motion just so I don't get stuck in one place. At least I am getting better each day finding my own pieces in the puzzle that it is. I can have as many pieces as I need. I can do what I need to do to make sure my pieces fit. I can touch as many other pieces of the puzzle as I need to to make my part of the picture complete. More and more I am gravitating towards doing what I love, having to do with music, or writing original stories.

I think I am going start writing short stories so that I can finish them sooner. I remember those Telzey Amberdon stories were all short and entertaining. I could definitely write something short and yet entertaining. Maybe someday I will finally get the longer stories down and beyond the outline stage. But right now I will ride with my strengths. Now if only we could continue to be this calm and thoughtful about this and not work ourselves up into a frenzy as the summer and autumn progress.

I need to do even better. I have been taking better care of myself and eating better things and getting better control over my sleep but I need to improve every day and not fall into the rut that is rolling alongside my life. People have been wondering what I am up to and except for the music, the updates, the fun parts people just don't know. When the new and exciting happens I want to remember to write it down. Some day soon I'm sure.

Until then life continues.

7/16/09 - Time and Again

Sometimes laid back is taken too far.

But at least no harm has been done, no fouls committed.

I will endeavor to be more motivated as the summer continues and winds down. I don't want the first day of Autumn to roll in and I'm wondering "where did it all go?". I will admit I've done some fun things, discovered some interesting things (about myself and others) and have decided some new things as well.

We've traveled, hung out, danced, created new music CDs, and created new storylines for the books underway. But while I have accused other people of losing their focus and doing too much at once, I have been guilty of the same traps myself. I have tried to do too much and have ended up doing very little. The only thing I have been really good at is hanging out and being there for my friends. The week must be better spent in moving my other tasks forward and not letting them fall by the wayside and being neglected. In terms of organization I think I will let the week be more about the writing and the weekend to be more about the music. Lack of focus has made everything sort of hazy.

I think the time has come for me to share with more people what my summer goals are and let them give me the encouragement for a change.

I know I have tried to be self-sufficient and do all of the pushing internally but there comes a time when I must realize that I need outside uplifting along with the internal. I wouldn't want to go dancing at a club where I was the only one dancing.. so too I don't want to be the only one pushing myself forward and through to the conclusion of my many projects. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am kind of letting it fall to the ground like autumn leaves.

We can do better, and we will get by with a little help from our friends. We have done the hard part and made our friends. Now we must let go a little and let our friends be there for us too. No testing involved just nice reminders that we all need our goals reflected back at us.

No time like the present. No better day than now. No more waiting for tomorrow. We will start with today.

07/07/09 - As we welcome the Day..

We lived through the parties and mayhem. Check. We are still ready for more fun times ahead. Check. Did we learn new things and influence people? Check.

I think I am doing well. I seem to have more of a will to complete the tasks I set out before me. I have done the music, the reading, the writing, and of course have been out and social with the friends. New friends all the time keep the energies flowing. We find out so much more about ourselves when we find out more about our friends. I think I have made some new ones that will allow me to watch the circle of friends grow and change.

I have seen that social networking allows people to constantly expand outward and then circle back and reconnect with both their pasts and their future.

I have been the DJ once again both via gift CDs and playing the playlist from the Ipod for the latest birthday party. I have added new elements to my newest novel(s) and expect to be more regular in adding to the storylines as the summer progresses.

Every night(day) we are supposed to go to bed proud of what we have accomplished with the day (night) and be happy that we are still adding to the story that is us. What we each have needs to be shared with the world. What the world has needs to be filtered down and shown to us in a way that makes sense for each of us individually.

What the world and the ones on it do for you may not be what the world does for me. And vice versa. We cannot force our own way of looking at things or doing things upon anyone else. We just have to let them know about our own part. And help them to look around and relate to their own worldview.

So many times things are forced, minds are crushed, facts are distorted and it only serves a limited worldview. Even if we are spoon fed we will grab onto the spoon and learn to do it ourselves. We have to do our best to not stifle the views of others but to help them see what is true and not just what is obvious but what the meaning of the happenings is. Many things happen for a reason. Other things happen for no reason at all. Our reaction or our apathy can be a turning point for someone else as well. Everyone can be teachers and be learning at the same time. There is no limit to any of our endeavors except the limit to how far we wish them to go.

We can stay in one place and enjoy the view, or we can keep on moving and enjoy the ride. Though we may be going in stops and starts, we will learn the whole time and do wonderful things, and see marvelous things.

It's still kind of a play-as-you-go plan. But it sounds fun to me.

Special thanks
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

6-24-09 - Always Darkest before the Dawn

The end of the month draws closer. Fun times are only only fun for a little while. The real world beckons. And distraction rears its ugly head. I should have learned from all the times before how from without comes so much at once even I can be overwhelmed if I don't plan accordingly. So many times I am so nice, so giving of my time and myself that I am led beyond the precipice.

Like my time and energy are endless and I can give like the well is never dry. Humanity is mine to enjoy. No angelic pleasures for me but rather the life that is meant to be enjoyed and the friends that are there to enjoy it with me. Some need more help to smile than others. But in the end they all do smile.

Or at least they are supposed to. If they get the joke. I have enjoyed my weekends immensely and I have been doing a good job with my fun times but sometimes its not funny when something funny happens to you. Yes, yes even I can have the days when I am not feeling like myself and I am either sick or just illin.

Normally, I bring the full force of my good time with me as I go. Nothing done halfway. But some of the friends feel like my energy is for them to vampire at will. That my energy in my life, that I work hard as hell to develop and though freely given, should be funnelled down to the trivialities that they are currently experiencing and seek to dilute my good time and my experience.

My story is important to me. No one's good time should carry over and impinge upon the good times of others. Some are becoming liabilities. They must realize this. But soon it will be unavoidable.

Another draw of energy is advice. People tell me their issues. I tell them what they should be doing. I don't get paid for this (yet) but I know what I am talking about and I do what I can to find out more so that this will continue. People who don't listen to what I say when I offer advice that was asked for are NO LONGER entitled to tell me the sob story of what occurred afterward when my advice was ignored and not followed. I know that life is full of travails and sad moments but life has its good moments and high points too. If a person will only wallow in the bad moments and not actively seek out the higher points for themselves and their families then they deserve their lot in the mud pits of their life.

If you are not going to reach for the higher branches then you better be prepared to eat a lot of grass because the good stuff is up in the trees. The fruit that falls on the ground has lost the good points and is now just ready to die. I want the life that is still alive and ready to be plucked from the midst of the trees. I know it's not easy to get but I will climb up and jump high enough to get it.

Until my next jumping chance rolls around I will continue to take care of myself and prepare for the times as they come. I think instead of falling too far I just tripped. I will recover quickly and keep it moving.

I will not allow the negative ions to settle on myself and weigh me down. My life and my mission of my life is too important to let too many moths sit on my light and plunge us all into the darkness.

I just cannot let that happen. I will promise myself that much. And I will live and learn and love the way it is supposed to be done. There is no precedent because no one else will live this life. It is up to me to do it correctly.

I know the way. I will take the first step. And I will move the in the direction and the manner in which I wish.

6-15-09 - If Only..

The days go by so quickly sometimes. And other times they kinda drag along. The days on vacation were good and I did have fun. Back at home we prepare for the upcoming end of the month. A good time will continue to be had by all I'm sure.

I came to the realization that the only thing putting limits on me is myself. So I will endeavor to do better at setting some more goals for myself. I have continued to spread myself kinda thin and have to re-focus on just a few things at once and not doing everything and everything that comes up.

At least I am better at taking care of myself as evidenced by my safe return from vacation and quick jump back into the thrills of the city. Don't wanna burn out too fast, but don't wanna go too slow neither.

At least we are back to new episodes of True Blood to brighten up the end of the weekend..

05-28-09 - The Machine Poem - The Saga

Back in the Day when I did not know about scams (more on the ones that have touched my life another time,) I entered a poem that I had written for publishing in a book that would be cataloged in an annual compendium of poetry that would actually have a book # in the Library of Congress. Sounds too good to be true because.. It was.. They actually would use my poem in the book but in order to get a copy of said book I would have to pay $60 dollars for my copy. It was bad enough I had to edit my poem to fit within their word-count guidelines but then I was going to have to pay for a book full of poems I did not want just to see mine in published form. Seems the only reason the book existed was poor saps like me who gave them FREE poetry that I would then have to PAY for to get a copy of.

I told them that's alright, that was OK, I have a copy of my poem anyway.

So here from the way-back-when archives is the first time on the net copy of the poem..











The Machine

The machine worked hard both day and night
without a rest without any light
For a goal elusive, dark as night
That could not be reached try as hard as it might

This hardship went on as the years went by.
Not a day would pass that the weary it did try.
As hard as it tried as hard as it worked
Nothing would come of it, just pain and hurt.

A new year arrived and a new program inserted.
A new type of role, instructions were worded.
This new pace was better for within and without
but it did not last long, this new circumstance found.

Cast adrift and with nothing the machine still would dream
of an everlasting role, an end to the toil and steam
In the midst of all the turmoil, the trials and the stress.
A light arrowed down cutting through the darkness.

And out of the light did a dream dare emerge.
To the senses a fantasy made real on this earth.
The machine looked upon this and began to transform
Its tired and weary shape taking on a new form

Falling away from its sides were struggle and darkness
In the face of this light were all dreams reaching for this.
The dream stepped forth and smiled on the machine
The machine was mechanical no more but did feel and did breathe.

With a fresh teary eye and a new beating heart,
It reached out its hand and touched a work of art.
Enlightened from within, emboldened from without
It opened up its mouth and gave out a shout

The gladness poured forth and the dream it did listen
Made real here on earth among dew drops that glisten.
A new day shines forth now no longer for a machine
But for a smiling young man who has found his true dream.

Kind of flowery, but I still like it. It paints a nice picture and I can feel those words to this day. Nothing like a little adversity to make one wax poetic.

Life without adversity has no meaning and dies unhappy I'm sure.

5/27/09 - I Await The Night, I Live for the Day

Another weekend has passed.
More parties attended, More friends to hang with, music listened to, dances done, drinks downed and fun times for the ages.

I spent time making two of my summer series of Dance CDs (Brighter Liteness, Fly Some DisDance) and now have tunes for my upcoming vacation. The PC seems to have recovered from its hiccup two weekends ago and is doing what it is supposed to do. We now once again have Corel WordPerfect installed on the 2 Vista PCs in the house and can once again do fully featured Word Processing on the newest machines.

I have a lot to look forward to and if I allow it, the obstacles that distract one won't have too much of an effect. There is always something coming up, but I can usually tell that it's on the way so I prepare myself for the out of the way eventuality. Some of those are self-made, I need to spend my time wisely, and not just burn through the days as if I will always have more. The rest of those seem to be friends who feel I am the ghetto google, the one who knows and they distract me from my day to ask me obvious stuff. Like phone calls for times/places/when stuff is gonna go down, like I'm just plugged into the city pulse or something. Or expecting me to find obvious stuff fun and fulfilling. Just cause its cheap doesn't mean I'm all over it. I think maybe my being nice in the past makes them feel they have carte blanche to disturb my day and ask me for sheer randomness. Or ask me if I wanna go someplace new they know about because they had heard that it might include something interesting. Pay Attention, I already know what I find interesting. There is a reason I go places again and again, it's because I have fun and I am tired of going to places that are as fun as a roach bomb going off before the pilot light is shut off.

Some people think that one bad experience means they should never go back, some people believe that if they just find the right combination of place and time the light will come down from the heavens and they will see the light leading to the best time ever. I believe a good time takes some work from the participants too, so I make sure I am fully prepared and ready to go. Not to some random experience but I go where I know the fun is. There is no crime in wanting to enjoy the time I set aside for just that purpose.

Some people are trapped in make believe or depressing scenarios that only bad things will continue to happen (no one will call their number, they will never meet anybody, people just want their bodies and not their love) yes, for some reason I know a lot of those people. Most of them are fun and friendly but they can get into these selfish modes when they feel the fun is supposed to be all around/about them and that if they aren't having the fun they deserve they should tell me about it. I do my best to lift them up, point them in the right direction, and tell them it hasn't been so bad so far, but sometimes they want it too often and they start to be a downer on my good time. Now that is a no-no.

To all the peeps who believe that your bad time is supposed to pull me out of my good time, it's not gonna happen. To all the ones who feed off of my energy and only stick around for the (rare) free drinks, I know who you are, and I am not amused. There was once a time when I was just too nice for words. Now I am just having a good time and happy to show it, but do not believe the show is just for you. It's really more for me.

Places visited this past weekend
Gym
G Lounge
Splash
Eagle

Posted 5-15-09 - A Space For Me

A Space For Me

There is nothing I need no more than this
But to have my own space and private bliss
The chaos surrounds as I live and breathe
Yet clarity of purpose is what I see
Delve down to the depths of personality
To see what really moves down deep
No other life is known like this
No paths not taken journeys missed
All I have to live is now
I will succeed as I know how
An irresistible force am I
This life, My Love, and Boundless Sky

5-15-09 - Spring Forward and Don't Fall Back

Am enjoying the nice weather, going to the gym when able, and taking good care of myself. No misdemeanors committed or witnessed (I think). The days are getting longer and we have more and more things to. Even when there are enough hours in the day we still need the energy and drive to finish all the tasks that need doing.

Many thanks to friends for pointing me towards Scrivener for writing as it has helped to organize my disparate scribblings. I have started new verses on projects I haven't touched for over a year and am fleshing out more topics as they come to mind. Being productive is a good thing. But we do have to be even more aware of time management. I have been so aware of being unbusy that now when we have things to do it's hard to find the time to do it all. We make a list and we keep it going.

We are also readying the newest musical compilations and preparing the summer tracks so we have the appropriate soundtrack as we keep it movin (Pop, R&B, and Dance compilations).

Friends have been around and about and having fun as well. I will try to limit the hours in each outing in preparation for multi-day events coming up. Thank goodness for Orange juice and Diet 7-up and taking vitamins on the daily.

• Calcium - Strong Bones and Teeth (Duh) and proper muscle contraction

• Glucosamine - restoration of joints after heavy use

• Gingko - Circulation in extremities (gotta recover from that pre-teen frostbite)

• Milk Thistle - Filtration and upkeep of the Liver (we does throw back a few drinks sometimes)

• Amino Acids - rebuilding muscle tissue in a more bio available form than just meat

• Lysine - extra amino for keeping up immune system (and keeping the fever blisters away)

• EPA-DHA (Fish Oil) - I don't eat that much fatty fish, maintains the nervous system and HDL levels

and then the extra stuff

• DMAE - preservative (young look is in LOL), and I've heard the face cream is cool too
  

• ZMA - Zinc Magnesium Aspartate - for Immune system and strong bones

• Colostrum - immune support (we hates getting sick as much as the next one) building blocks for white blood cells and other things we need to fight the good fight
  

• Shark Cartilage - rebuilding the joints after the rigors and stresses of this past winter

We take even more stuff too but I don't wanna start a library . Yes we do keep the Vitamin Shoppe in business.

5/7/2009 - I Wonder Sometimes. And other Times I'm kinda Sure..

Spring allergy season has progressed true to form and I still catch myself having to remember to take my Claritin and Sudafed as needed to keep me from succumbing to the lethargy of closed nasal passages. There are times that we are too busy or we are distracted but I still find myself having to remember where my self fits into my care schedule. If I am not up and able to take care of my own business then I am no good in dealing with all of the busy stuff the world thrusts in my face at irregular intervals. I might have to put a sign next to my bed. (LOL)

The power of caffeine lets me do wonderful things (gym, dancing at all hours) but one cannot live by caffeine alone (the horror). Because of this and the aftereffects of the antihistamine along with the weekend imbibing we have to stay hydrated, so keeping up with the water filter and ready stores of Diet 7up and Diet Ginger Ale are a must.

My weekends have been good, I have done good for others and have had a fun time along the way. Thank goodness my temporary house guest arrangement has found somewhere else to dwell at this time. I will be the first one to admit that I myself have personal space issues in my own space and home but even 7 days was 7 days too long (really). I have nothing personal against any of my friends and may in the future extend that favor once again. However for now I always seem to have interesting things pop up when I am suddenly constrained in my modes of action and my home office is supposed to be my office and not a hotel or bed and breakfast. As such I need to be able to move with complete unimpeded access in my own house to go where I need to do work, find things, get books, and put stuff away. Of course if the room is being slept in on the regular that can't happen until they are out of the way, and that can't happen until they have someplace to go. I am happy that has happened for now. And I am glad I was able to talk and advise them on their little sojourn with me.

I am happy I had my weekends as my own and was only constrained slightly time-wise on those days. The little things are even more important when your day-to-day is interrupted. I have taken solace in cooking, and going to the gym and of course my weekend.

There is a lot to look forward to in the coming months and I will be doing my best to prepare accordingly. I am still there for my friends, but I have to be a friend to myself and my well being foremost. If I give until the giving is gone, I will just be left with the leftover and end up feeling that emptiness. Since we left the empty heart behind in the last century, I have no inkling to be a whipping post/dumping ground/beast of burden for anyone, or anything again anytime soon.

Thank Goodness for Love, Thank goodness for Friends, Thank Goodness for Fun.

The days are long the nights are steep but my promises made are mine to keep, the world is wide and so is the street, but I have plenty of time to sleep. Yes I will schedule when I sleep.

Shout Outs to my fave fun spots:
Gym
Splash
We are living for the three days of weeknight weekends for now. Until next time..

4-21-09 Yeah, we don't get high like that so we talk later..

Yesterday I watched the G4/Tech TV specials and movies "Super High Me" as well as the 4/20 special of "Attack of the Show". This country has some interesting laws, and some people have interesting ways of enforcing them. I don't smoke anything at any time, but I don't judge those who do. I believe that people do require mood altering substances from time to time but the best are done under a doctors supervision..

Anyways the spring is here and we are keeping it moving. I am being helpful to one of my friends beyond the realm of just advice but is only temporary short time and then the disorder in my life will re-fold and be back to the mid-line.

Allergies have been jumping out at me from every open window and I have to remain vigilant with my claritin and sudafed to keep me mobile and ready to do what needs to be done.

This past weekend I did the multiple location hang out and had plenty of fun with Sean, Rick, Kevin, Durrell, Ben, Steve, Ty, and my friend DJs Dr Brooks and DJ Smokey. The music has been good. I finally visited Fitz and gave him the CDs to give to the fitness center lady Gina down in Battery Park City. Hopefully she will enjoy. I even gave a copy of the tech mix to the doorman who was very nice.

I have no definite plans in the upcoming weeks but a lot of stuff will be happening that I am sure I will be right in the midst of. We will take it one day at a time and stay ready for whatever..

Gym
G Lounge
Splash

4/16/09 - Tips For Life.. (My Life, Not for just anybody)

I have been meaning to make a list and post it forever but
kept putting it off. Finally since I already started I decided it would be an ongoing thing as I think of new stuff..

● Everytime I see a proactiv or neutrogena commercial I verify if I have washed my face in the past 8 hours..

● Everytime I see a Bally's or exercise machine commercial I verify if I have done some sort of exercise that day.. Either hanging crunches, dancing with weights, gym visit, very brisk walk followed by hanging crunches, something like that.

● Make sure I always have a glass of water, diet ginger ale, or Diet 7Up nearby, sometimes all it takes is filling a glass, just having to reach over is so much easier than filling from scratch. Procrastination is my life..

● Take vitamins daily.. defeats the purpose of having vitamin shoppe card and buying hundreds of dollars in supplements if you do not take them regularly.

● Always moisturize when using Anti-bacterial soap. It dries the skin and so if I don't want fingers, elbows, and knees to suffer I have to remember the lotion.. (puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again LOL).

● Go outdoors every day. The house is a home but we never appreciate the day unless it is lived to the fullest and that means except in extreme circumstances getting out for a bit before returning to the home/hearth. We appreciate the home even more when we have left it and returned.

● Caffeine is a wonderful thing but must be scheduled correctly so as not to affect bedtime.. Make sure all caffeine is before 5pm.

● The gym late in the day is not as bad as I thought it would be. Now that there are new machines I have far less of an excuse.

● The alarm clock is my friend. Left to my own devices I will wake up at least an hour later every day. Breaking it up after sufficient time using the alarm means at least I won't be waking up any later, anytime soon.

● I am happy that I know how to cook, since it means less preservatives, and less additives in my food. I know I don't get everything straight from the ground myself but cooking it is the next best thing. I feels so much better after dinner knowing it was something I made myself.

Now onto the rest of the blogging..
I have realized why I am not such a phone person (I never was one to call anyone just to say hey whatsup, what are you doing) and especially when so much of my job had to do with the phone but when it is not my job, I don't call people. I am a person who has begun to enjoy my now, I try to stay busy and when I am not busy I am too drained to engage in all kinds of interaction. When I have unscheduled phone calls when I am not at work I feel the caller seems to be taking me away from what I am doing right now and putting *my life* on hold. When I get phone calls at work, it is what I am supposed to be doing, and I have full authority and ability to help, and It's my reason for being there and it helps the day go by faster. When I get phone calls at home and on my weekend then it starts to feel like I am being used to fill the down time with twitterings about stuff I would rather talk about when I am in their presence and having a fun time with them. I am happy I have come to this conclusion and can explain my tensions for why unexpected non-emergency phone calls get on my nerves but yes, they do. I still want to be there for my friends and want to be available but if there is nothing to talk about then the text message is best. We always respond, we always answer.

Having more time on my hands means I notice sooner when I am falling ill, when I have forgotten to do something. I have to carry that over to more of my life such as with my scheduling and the ways I spend my time, as I still procrastinate as if I have all the time in the world. Yes it all starts with the first step but if you stop walking after a little bit, are you there yet or did you stop to do something else? I will endeavor to continue to evaluate and self-improve as the moments do arise. I have been putting that off too. I will do better for sure.

I am not getting any younger. I will start acting as such..

side note: I use anti-bacterial soap because it keeps the bad smell bacteria from multiplying on my bod (I know it does not kill bacteria just inhibits the multiplying). I try not to over-shower to keep from drying my skin but yes the stuff is harsh. But, I rather the harsh than letting the bacteria multiply like wild and covering it up with deodorant.

4/09/09 - This past Sunday..

Sunday party,
The party at The Village Lantern at 167 Bleeker Street started closer to 9:30-9:45 so it got started late but then so did the crowd. I arrived at 9:30 myself. I walked over from the number 1 train and found the place pretty easy near Sullivan Street.

The dancing boys were a little too blatant, I think boy shorts or box cut would have been hotter to start with. Was just a shock when the underwear clads just hopped up onto the bar and started dancing where people had been drinking. 2 guys left when they saw the dancers but then the party was probably not for them anyway. When the Dancing girl started later she was great and very fun. She should have started earlier as she started ½ hour later than when the boys started..

The entertainment was on point, as she was very fun and her performances and costume changes were very cool. Having her as hostess between shows or having her friends perform meet and greet would be cool too.

Drinks were good, There only needs to be one other bartender and not two more, the barback seemed OK. The space was great, very comfortable, I think people need to stay on the one floor until the place is more crowded.

Keo Nozari was friendly and upbeat music as always.

I think the opening night was great,

I might have stayed longer but I had been out too many nights in a row and I was dehydrated..

Until next time..

Off the Top of My Head..

In Between

I don't know what tomorrow will be
I barely know about today,
I know my friends will be with me
and help me along the way

There have been ups and downs along my way
So many things that I have seen
So many roads along the way
how blank are the lines between

The time moves fast, the days grow short
I wonder how things will turn
The hours that roll, the minutes that spin
At both ends the candle does burn

I will do my best to make sure the times are good for me and mine
As far as it goes, as far as I know, This will be my best of time.

Smiles for everyone
Don't hate...

Until next time.

4/04/09 - The approach is good, the landing.. Perfect

What have I been doing.. No danger, no drama, (well of course other people have drama, but not this one..) The new season is here and nothing seems to have changed.. I am enjoying myself still, the Peter Pan syndrome is holding fast, and I still have the nice set of friends to have fun around.

I lost my "One Human Family" wristband a few weeks ago but I will live. Hopefully I can find a replacement online.

With the warmer weather the legs have not been an issue and workouts at the gym have worked to keep them ready for the wear and tear of the weekend.

We have had so many good times in the past few weeks almost non-stop as we look forward to the good times of the summer. But thankfully the Sean Jean winter weather coat will make one more appearance this weekend (Sat. Night) b/c it will be in the 40's and ridiculously windy so we will walk the streets warm and in style.

The B Party, the return to the old Crobar in NY space, The 4 CD set completed, the new friends, the old friends, many nice things to be happy about. No new sadnesses (except for friends either losing their jobs or having their hours cut, booooo!) and I have a nice outlook on most things. I have discovered that even though I am not a coffee person, caffeine is still the thing that makes the gym visit more palatable and makes the day go that much faster. Thank goodness for caffeine from the Vitamin Shoppe (I swear I keep that place in business, yay for the $50 give back from last years haul of supplements) We take care of ourselves from the inside out and we will stay in this place for a while.

The jump off
Gym
The in-between
G Lounge
The Happy Ending
Splash

Sidebar
New workout.. dancing with weights, especially the way I dance.. (I should start a class)

3/12/09 - Musically I am overflowing, Elsewhere.. Take a guess..

I have finished all four of my Black Line Series of CDs (House,Peak,Deep,and Tech).
I have gotten my soon to be dyed pants delivered.
I already have the rest of the accouterments (shirt, shoes, accessories) in place.

Now if only I would write as much as I am supposed to.
I promise that it will be soon.
Too much is riding on this Spring and what to expect before the rest of the year rolls in. I cannot rely on everything to remain as easy as it has been past next month. I need to buckle down and do the tasks that are needed to see my next career(s) take off.

The music is in place, soon to be distributed to my friends.
The writing is waiting on me and no one else so I best get to it and to it soon.
I am over the colds, flu, and other things that make me sick and I am back in the gym.

I have to keep moving while making sure I do not trip and do something stupid. I am usually ready for anything but something or everything is waiting for me to do my next part. I wonder and then I know that if I can just schedule it to be something regular it will just pour out and be all that I know it can be.

I have done it before. So let's do it again..

2/25/2009 - Things that I have Hmmm'd up...

Each day before you go to bed make sure you do something that you will be proud of
even if it's just making a list of what you will do the next day.

Always Smile when you meet someone new. It is easy and it can really make their day. Smiles are contagious too.

Tell your friends and loved ones how much they mean to you. You may think they now but people always need to hear that they are loved. If you want them to know you must tell them.

Make sure each day is a little different than the last. Each day should not only be different because of the name of the day. If you have to alternate doing things every other day then do that. Just don't fall into a rut. Keep it fresh.

Dress for the occasion but always with your own personal touch. If you care what you look like other people will care to notice. It starts with you.

I will add more stuff as I think of it..

I need to make more lists myself. Stuff I want to remember always and not just good for the moment..

If it is good enough for me it is good enough for me to write down. So I will.

2/24/2009 - What do you Want and When do you Want it?

We want it Now of Course..

We all have our moments when we are feeling kind of down. The world has come at us fast and we got slapped and we are like "What, Who just slapped Me." Even I can be overwhelmed when too much has happened at once. And these past few months, and past few weeks, yes, too much has happened at once..

So what is one to do when they are down and can't determine what to do next? We look for inspiration but where can it be found? We need energy but we are at our lowest tank ever. I never thought I would say it, but having a routine makes you know what comes next. When you don't know what comes next you end up filling your time with drivel, stuff that is not helping, stuff that keeps you feeling the same way. With your Inertia gone you tend to stay in the same place. I know this can happen and yet how do you get it rolling again? How can you get that energy and drive to change the world again?

First - Realize that your small input can make a difference. You do have something unique to offer. You have more fun times ahead of you. Dreams that Must be made real.

Second - If you have spent enough time giving good energy out to the universe, your friends, your neighbors, then that good energy is waiting to flow back to you. If you have been there for the party, then the party needs you.

Third - You must watch and surround yourself with uplifting stuff. Happy movies, Happy shows, Happy friends, all of these will in turn make you happy. If you are constantly learning new things then you can constantly be sharing these new things with your friends.

I just know if I watch boring drivel then I will be boring and leak drivel. If I am watching people make things, invent things, do things and they are growing and doing more, then I know I can do more too.

Chaos theory means If I put myself in the right place I will be there at the right time. When opportunity meets preparation then good things can happen. I will move forward only if I continue to move. If I just sit and am mad at what has happened, then I will continue to sit. Even moving backward isn't so bad if the pendulum is ready to swing forward again.

I need to be there on the upswing and will take steps to make sure my own personal sabotagers are held in check. If you think long and hard enough You know where the badness comes from in your life so protect yourself from it. We all have things that pull us backwards and we have to do what we can to show we can grow and get the negative out of our life. Not saying we cut off our friends or family but at the same time we do not give them carte blanche to cut us down and do us wrong. The negative will be stopped before they go too far and the attacks redirected to where they do the least harm. I know I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot left to do.

We start moving forward today.

2/24/09 - Want the Weekend..

This past weekend was great, I have my legs at good capability again and am ready for gym level workouts soon. The cold season seems to have finally let me be and stop afflicting me with attack after attack. I met new friends, hung out with old friends and had a very friend filled weekend.

Thursday we went to Gymbar and hung out with Ty, Stephan K, and met Ron. Thursday night night continued with the throngs and crowds at Splash who flock their on Thursdays to hear hot dance beats upstairs and hot R&B and Pop beats downstairs. The bar back staff has done much better keeping it clean and the security has been controlling the peeps who stay in the bathroom too long. At Splash I hung out with Tres, Edn and Rob and they were nice enough to give me a ride back to BK.

Friday we met up with Joseph and headed from Gym Bar uptown to The Eagle and heard the DJ lay down some cool beats before it was time to head cross town to Mr. Black and do some more dancing. I saw Rob n Tres there also moving to the beats before I said goodnight to everyone and got a car right in front to bring me back to BK. So convenient.

Saturday we shopped, made sure there was enough soda in the house before resting up for the nightfall. I texted the buds to make sure everyone was where they said they would be and then we headed into the city riding in the Murano. After looping around looking for parking we headed into gym bar and dealt with the Saturday crowds, DJ Dr Brooks said hello to Russ, We all said hi to Craig and Steve and the Birthday crowd downstairs had DJ Colin playing *Milkshake* and had us grooving for sure. Once Ron showed up we said our goodbyes to the crowd and then headed over to Splash. I showed him how when the coat check was long I made sure I had a drink first. It made me much more calm, cool and collected while waiting to check my coat. (Email was sent to complain) Beyond that the party was hopping with DJ Tracy Young and Rick and Shawn were there and hangin too. I stayed there dancing and having a grand old time until 4:30am when I headed over to Mickey Ds and had myself a Big Mac before heading home. The taxi ride was pristine and even Russ and the Jimmy got a taxi ride leaving the Murano in the city for pickup on Sunday..

Sunday was all about the resting, The Taxi ride into the city to get the Murano, and more listening to the the newest R&B Rap CD *Driving While Winter* (Me likey the new CD). And even ordered Atomic Wings for Dinner. Nice Calamari by the way. And then was time to relax..

Go Weekend..

2/19/09 - Many Days in the Middle

If it isn't something then it's another. My legs are in recovery (no treadmill anytime soon but maybe 2 weeks) but I have been able to walk long distances and have a lot of fun with no real pains. I think I will keep them wrapped up another weekend just to keep them warm, the cold does strange things to stretched tendons...

Last weekend I went into that strange limbo which was going out two days in a row with 1 or no friends known to be there beforehand. Thursday was pretty much as usual, with Friday a very good but more expensive day going to Splash after Gym. I met Bianca Del Rio up close on Thursday at Splash and Friday I met up with Dwayne and Joseph and saw Rick and Sean at Splash. Saturday I met up with Dwayne at Splash and hung out a bit with Rogger and DJ Danny Echi until after 4am.

Sunday was the adventurous day when I headed out to Club Arena for the Asseteria party. It was my first time in the space and despite the door and short wait the place was packed. MC Anthony Lamont (the man in the dress with the goatee) was great. The music was good for a mixed club and I did hang with DJ Sean and Ira who later headed over to Pacha. At 4:30 even though the music was better as the time passed, the expensive beers had caught up with me and I just wanted to go home. I did not even wait on the line at Mickey D's but headed back out took a train and got all the way home.

Early in the week I was upset with a lot of things and ready for frustrating health things just to end and go away. From things in my face to things in my legs. At least I have remembered to stretch my back every day. No reason to have a back spasm again any time soon. A well oiled machine but with so many moving parts we are bound to have issues sometime. The parts that annoy me the most are the ones that are caused by other people like colds. You wash your hands constantly, have soap in your pocket at all times and you can still be undone by one kiss or one close hug. With all the stresses I have had to deal with lately I am just waiting for the next thing to come rolling along. However I am better prepared than most, have fully extended all landing gear and am ready to land and take off again at any time.

I really want to get back to writing but have been distracted by books, video games and getting sick. I think I will do better next week. But don't want to keep putting this off. The month is almost over. This weekend I will do more with my music. And the week will be back on the books. It seems so easy once you start, but the problem is getting started at all...

Soon then, Promise yourself, We will make it real...

2/11/09 - Thank Goodness for the Water Landing..

As I sit and watch David Letterman and the crew from the plane that landed in the Hudson River I am happy for them and everyone that made it through OK. I am glad I have not had to go through such an experience. However, I have been hit by a car, I have knocked myself unconscious flying through the air into a concrete wall, I have hurt my knee learning to skate and have caught the flu more than once. There is always something that can happen. I think I have done good to minimize the bad occurrences but something new can always surprise you.

I have decided that I need to make sure to take my vitamins and stretch everyday. These spasms due to whatever they are due to is getting on my nerves. I am too young to be acting arthritic but I will be sure to ask when I go to my doctor for the checkup. Maybe it's because my schedule is so out of tune that my body is out of tune as well. As much as I try to keep a schedule I can't seem to get to sleep when I want to nor can I get everything I want to have done when I need it. Thank goodness for more time and chances for do overs. Of course that does not last forever.

Back spasms and bum knees (both of them) I might as well be pushing 70. I know I have put on the front of invulnerability and miles of strength for world to see but my energy and the reserves that I have to help everyone are being stretched (like my back) and I wish everyone did not have so many problems to deal with. We all have our share and we have the choice when faced with the trial to meet it head on or hide in the corner. I don't want to hide cause I want to see what happens next. I hate not knowing what happens. I want to be there, I want to set it off, I want to dance in the middle of the floor and act like I don't ever want to go home. I want to run down the streets and people not think I robbed someone. I want to remember If I forgot something and not have to spend unnecessary funds to make it right.

The world changes so fast and I want to be there to take pictures.

Last weekend was great, I celebrated on Saturday Night with the guys and rested on Sunday and had a visit from Maurice where we discussed summer plans and music and upcoming events. Russ made sure late lunch of brick oven pizza was picked up and and was well and good.

Over the weekend till now I did not do any further damage to myself and I am recovering from my flu symptoms nicely.. I would say I am at 80-85% of my normal output and capabilities right now except for residual coughing (post nasal drip damn you to hell) and the need to keep my spine supported properly while moving around, cleaning, and making sure what needs to be done gets done. I missed the gym today but will definitely shoot for tomorrow.

I need to wake up and have these issues handled. I guess one can only hope.

Thanks to Thursday Night and Saturday Night at
Gym
And
Splash

2/03/09 - The Lethargy, The Apathy, Where is the Fire?

Wednesday rolls in and the sun was strong. I need to keep up the momentum with my gym workouts and writing and music. It is so hard to maintain everything I need to do. I may end up going to my 24 hour gym at strange hours because I seem to only have the focus and drive when the nighttime rolls around.

I know I only have but so much time but I still could not get beyond my immediate area today. Falling asleep when you are supposed to be going to the gym is not the move. But tomorrow is another day and I am sure I can do better. I started the second chapter of the horror novel and finished the chapter title list as well. Writing is not hard once we get the ball rolling but it's finding the ball and putting it into place to roll we have a problem with.

I am not sure what else I can do to motivate myself, besides having a timetable for completion. I need to have something to show for it by the end of this month, as far as needing means that I will feel as if my time has been well spent and not thrown away. We will see as time goes by what dreams do come, to me and mine and friends far and wide... I want too much and not enough at different intervals it seems.. If only..

2/3/09 - Back to Level - Next Stop, Super..

What to do at the end of the week. We wrap ourselves up make sure we eat and hydrate and prepare to go out and about. Russ and the Jimmy wanted to go to G Lounge but we started out at GymBar on Saturday Night. Parked around the corner, dressed warm and headed into the bar. Coat checked downstairs and first drinks in hand, the crowd was impressive but not unruly and we said hello to Joseph, Ty and hung out with DJ Colin before it was time to head out. The guys went over to G Lounge, I headed over to Splash.

Doorman Derek waved me in and once past the cashiers it was down to the coatcheck and then up to the dancefloor of Splash. I met up with Dwayne as well as Shawn and Rick and between drinks (start with a Bud Lite), great music by DJ Alexander, saying hello to DJ Sean and stopping downstairs to say hi to DJ Danny Echi it was a pretty busy night. High point of course at 3:45 am dancing to 'Burnin Up' by Cevin Fisher but being newly back up and about I could not burn myself out in one night. I made sure I knew where the guys were and I headed back to the vehicle. Leaving early for me but I had stuff to do the next day. More cleaning and cooking.

I woke up to delivery breakfast bacon and eggs, caught up on the news then finalized the vacuuming and clean up before starting to cook right before 4pm. The chicken came out great, the macaroni salad was great also, The macaroni and cheese was too salty (sea salt was saltier than I expected) but passable and the regular salad was ok despite being made by Russ without asking. Donnie, Steve, Solomon, the Jimmy all enjoyed the food, as well as the clean house and we all watched a very good Super Bowl. After that we watched the Office. The rest of the night was uneventful but I was happy for the weekend. I'll see what happens next. Good times are coming..

1/29 - Today is a New Day. But let's wait until tomorrow..

I will say that I woke up today feeling 50% better, am now doing 80% rather than 60% like yesterday. Am still illin but headache is gone. Nose is still running but post-nasal and painful coughing is not kicking my head.

I was able to do short workout in-house just to prove to myself I am feeling better. It's all downhill from here (gets easier). I may not be well enough to hang out tomorrow (don't want to get anyone sick tonight) but we will see about tomorrow and will def. be up for a Saturday hang.

Be strong Peeps, I will return shortly..
=)

1/28/09 - We can rebuild him, Slowly, and it won't cost 6 million..

One of the 300 Spartans, fighting everyday, getting bored with stabbing and slashing, and beaten and bruised myself. I know how that feels..

Feeling like you have been beaten in your sleep, and feeling as if you are still being beaten when you wake up. I know how that feels..

Having an alien egg in your nasal cavity, pulsing this way and that, ready to break through your forehead any second.. I now know how that feels..

I thought I had a real bad cold, but the body aches, the headaches while I am laying down and when I stand up, the FEVER, as well as the pulsing of my temples has convinced me it is influenza, the flu to people who use smaller words.

I know this will be over soon and I will stop sneezing every 5 minutes, stop coughing every 10 minutes, and stop having to take ibuprofen just to watch television. It is so very true that when you do not have your health everything else is kinda secondary..

Being uncomfortable like this makes it hard to think, hard to plan, hard to think too deeply. I know I still have things to do, more to do list items to go through but for now I have to concentrate on getting better. Well the rest part is easy (if insomnia and random pains would let me sleep) but have to remember to hydrate, take my vitamins and continue to take care of myself in my miasma of ill feeling.

I still have this Super Bowl Sunday to look forward to. This means I have to cook, clean, and get everything ready for guests to run through and enjoy their time in front of the big screen.

We don't have as big a personal statewide stake as when the Giants were in the bowl last year, but am sure Pittsburgh and Arizona can make the game interesting.

Hopefully I am feeling better to do some fun things with the weekend before Sunday rolls around. I will just take of myself until then. Another glass of water please..

1/23/09 - A New Day Has Come.. Are we awake yet?

I have spent a lot of time rebuilding. Myself, my computers, my house. And the time does go by. Just when you think you have everything done you find new chores, new things you have to pick up at the store, new bills that have to be settled. It's called multi-tasking when you do it on purpose. It's called being pulled in too many directions when it happens to you and you are just along for the ride.

I am happy with the new PC and being forced redesign my music layouts and software. Some things you only do if pushed to it. The 8 Gig of RAM does go a long way to making the transition worth the while.

Running uphill means I re-injured my knee(s) so now I am friends with an ace bandage and staying a little less active for next few weeks. Painkillers are my buddy and anti-inflammatory are staying at my place (woot woot) but too much of anything can be bad for you so all things up to a point..

My online friends have done a lot to keep me occupied, sane and connected and I have learned so much just from my online peeps and it has become practically a full time job just keeping up with all of this online social.

Lessons learned.

• Make sure your email settings are such that you are NOT notified for every burp or MIL visit. Only stuff you really want to know.
• Be there for your friends and someone just might be there for you.
• Stay positive
• Don't hate
• And don't offer help when none is requested.
  

You can try and try but some people do not wish to learn second-hand and the lessons must be learned by the person on their own. However painful and inconvenient or time-consuming that may be..

Yet I am still having fun and doing what I do. I do realize I am getting older and I cannot forget my hard won lessons from days past. Just when you think you are invincible and that is when the world will show up and smack you upside the head.

Until the next time.

And yes the Television has returned. I am once again part of the human race and wasting time the way it is meant to be wasted..

I will still be around for sure..

1/18/09 - Fast Forward - Faster and not Fast Enough

I have been going through it.

Worlds colliding and bleed over from other issues intrudes into my real world (and my weekends) even though I want the good times to never end.

When I stop to think about it all of these things have silver linings. I have had to sit and contemplate all of these things one by one and have determined that I am better for it. "That which does not kill you makes you stronger" and whatnot..

The good points:
Not having a television for 2 weeks means I have found other ways to entertain myself and I have gotten things done. No reason for procrastination when you have all this free time. Thank goodness the DVR is taping things and I can watch them when the TV comes back.

Having to setup my new PC means I had to finally stop limping along with that old piece of crap PC I have been using all this time. And I brushed off my old PC fix-it skills and stretched my brain at the same time. I am enjoying the new PC and except for a few files I pretty much have everything I really needed re-saved and re-installed. I will be hooking up the 1 TB backup to the PC and preventing any catastrophic data loss in the future (hopefully)

Having to cancel my Amazon card because they changed my rate (my fault, but still..) hurt me somewhat as me loves my Amazon shopping. But that is one less bill I will have to pay now that I have zeroed it out and 2 credit cards still active is plenty for my reduced budget outlook. (details on that at some far future date)

I joined the gym near my house and put my New York Sports Club membership on hold - To be cancelled soon. New (old and now new again gym) Is cheaper and is closer to my house. I don't need clubs all over the city. I just need one I will go to to get my run on. Now I can stop complaining about $90 a month charges.

Have booked my flights for June. That done, now I just have to do the hotel (fax machine where are you..)

I'm not saying that my issues are all that earth-shattering and I know people have it a lot worse than I do. They have no one to love them, or have no one to give their love to, or have health issues, or family problems or are facing losing their homes and all the many dramas that go on around the world. I do my small part to keep a light shining in the darkness and love and help who I can and try not to let all the bad times get me down.

Even having insomnia means I have more time to do more stuff (who knew?) Use that restless spirit to do the things that need to be done (like writing, making music and connecting with friends)

I never share too much of myself in one place. I guess it's just my natural defensive mechanism so no one can know too much and in turn hurt me too deeply. No one likes pain and I would be totally remiss in giving anyone enough ammunition to direct extra drama back at me. Is why my brightkite, facebook, plurk, blog, and twitta are all separate. And even then my life is not "All" on the line. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and for now I have it kinda good. Not to say I can stay complacent forever but I can take what has been given to me and use it for my betterment and setting up my near future to be in a good place, both mentally, financially, and make sure my physical is handled as well.

My friends have been real and each has their part in making sure I am remaining happy and I in turn have tried to be a friend myself. Too many friend mistakes when I was younger (losing contact, talking out of turn, to name a few) means I should know better and I am definitely old enough to do the right thing.

For now though I am enjoying my weekends and concentrating on my weeks to do good things.

Now if only I can drink enough water, juice and 7-up so my joints stop hurting (LOL)

Shoutouts to
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

Me likes the party and so far the party likes me..

Until next time..

1/13/2009 - The More You Do the More You Still Have to Do..

This affliction of insomnia has continued unabated. I now know I will just have to have two sleep periods every day until I need the alarm again.

Nevertheless, I really have nothing to complain about. I guess I was just expecting everything to fall into place at the beginning of the year and everything I planned did in fact happen as scheduled, it was just the unplanned that threw a monkey wrench into my complacency.

Just when I thought I was doing OK:
I found out that my PC Hard Drive can crash so bad it requires data recovery.
I find out that my credit cards are trying to charge me downright usurious fees
(that is put to a stop quickly, homey don't play that)
I still have to pay for future trip plans now before price goes up.
I have to find the time to workout before my in-shape goes to all-shot.
I have to get my big screen TV repaired (before the superbowl)

The usual drama,
Though I have conquered my weekend my real life is getting is getting more and upheaved and I don't know which is going to clear up first. I am not used to having so many different things beyond my control to deal with at once.

I need to follow my own advice:
Break the problems into little parts and deal with them one by one until they are all done.

I guess I really just need to allow myself the privilege of falling behind on some things while everything else seems hunky-dory. I broke away from a past life where my needs were secondary to the all-knowing cause and my effect was little and my happiness, low.

Now I am in as much control as I can muster there is nothing MORE I can do except put together the little puzzle that is my place in the grand plan. I cannot tell anyone what to do, least of all God, but I do know that He helps those that help themselves. I will not cry over spilt milk and I will not waste time letting my life fall by the wayside.

I will get my PC fixed, my TV fixed and I will plan for my future accordingly. I deserve to have some good times ahead. And in every life some rain must fall. I guess my April has come in January. I have my umbrella out and my coat is water proof. So I am as prepared as I can be. So come with it then. I will not be hurt by a little wet.