Star Driver

From Crackle: And Now Marino's First Love

Just finished watching episode.

Yes I watch Japanese Anime. And what..

Turkish Delights - Tale in the City 6-09-11

I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Istanbul. I had no expectations so I was only pleasantly pleased with all I had gotten to see and do as a tourist walking among the friendly locals.

The many Mosques are wonderful examples of old world architecture along with the tourist hordes and some can be reached during a self directed walking tour my friend and I were making as we walked across the bridges, watched the fishermen, and generally got a feel for the city as the locals would see it.

By the the third day we were switching between the tram, the oldest subway in the world (The funicular) and making our way to the Grand Bazaar. I have not had to deal with such a hard sell regarding buying a carpet that I did not want since someone tried to sell me a time-share. After that the hard sellers ran the gamut from the desperate to overly familiar (listening to you and parroting back to you the english words) I learned that the only friendly people in Istanbul will not be found while shopping inside the oldest covered market in the world.

On the whole the people are very friendly, helpful, and smiling while not treating the new person in town as a curiosity. Only the late night club pitch men and the waiters for the empty restaurants trying to entice you in can draw any kind of negative feedback from one such as myself. When I need help I will call you over. Not before, and not when its not needed.

Favorite Moments so far:

“There is a dog on the dance floor, really an actual dog. He wants me to put him but I don’t want dog hair on my sneakers. I hope the decibel of the music doesn’t make the poor thing deaf.”

“All the coolest conversations start in the smoking section.”

“No means No, It does not mean keep asking me until I change my mind. That’s not going to happen.”

“They play some fierce beats at the McDonalds”

Things to Know

Every transfer on the train or tram costs One Token

Do bring extra money.. No one ever frowns on American Dollars. But the ATM at the right time of day (morning) is your friend

Most of the sights are within walking distance of one another.

Cross the street at the crosswalk.

Plan to wake up early to do any of the tours or tour buses

Don’t go to the bazaar unless you know what you want and how to avoid eye contact (and say No or “Haier” as often as possible)

Do eat the ice cream

Do have a kebab but as a wrap and not in the bread

If walking down the Istiklal Caddesi (Independence Street) check out the food court in the mall for more familiar fast food options.

Do see the man selling the dancing dolls on the same side of the street as the mall, You will laugh and smile.

Do take a 1.75 YTL (Turkish Lira) ride on the ferry across the Bosphorus so you can say you have walked in Asia.

Do not ask a drag queen for directions at night, you may draw attention from the police. (For some strange reason)

Do not go home with anyone without knowing what you are getting into. People who expect you to pay for everything, including hotels, or rides half-way across town is not fun when you find out at the last minute..

4-3-11 - Adventures in Babysitting. No adventures - Just Babysitting.

Today as I babysit my niece and nephew I just smiled as I made my breakfast. Then I actually wondered for a long moment, why even though the fact that I had not lived in the same house as them for years, my sisters would think I am good enough to watch their kids in their absence. Both of them have finely tuned Mommy senses that would pick up on shadiness or wildness two blocks away. As most people all know.. Not just anybody should be watching kids.
It’s sad but it’s true. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20039299-504083.html

And it does help that the kids are in the next room watching cartoons. With me popping in at random moments if they get too quiet or too loud.

I had an interesting epiphany.. While was eating my over easy egg and fried ham.

I am a nice person. But anybody can seem nice. Some can play the role like they were born to it to get something they want. But I like being nice. I like being seen as a force for good and not evil (maybe it’s the japanese anime in me)

I actually like kids, especially other peoples kids when you can give them back because there will be a time-limit. And that is always a good thing. (I won’t discuss godparents because I’m not one unless the real ones are gone for some reason so that level of change need not be discussed)

I have a lot in common with kids. I was one once. I play video games. I watch a lot of cartoons. So when I do talk to kids we have plenty to talk about.

I don’t mind teaching. I tell people what they should be doing all the time. Not in a bossy way but in a way that actually makes them understand that I am trying to help them. I usually make them laugh and they do what I tell them to do because they actually should be doing it that way. Straight Talk. Kids appreciate that.

And then I said it, to myself (and to the interwebs because that’s what a blog is)
Being a not straight person has that advantage.

Being attracted to Adults means I’m not a danger to other peoples little boys. I just like telling them to get off the floor and clean up after themselves. And being attracted to Adults means I’m not a danger to other peoples little girls. I just like telling them when they haven’t washed their hands or they are being too loud.

I guess this is why most day care ladies are day care ladies. I don’t really know of any day care guys. It is a cool thing that now in the 00’s that people are finally catching onto the idea of “Manny’s” and not just Nanny’s.

So I just sit back and smile (and type) as I sit in my living room playing Pokemon Black (while my niece is in the the other room playing Pokemon White) and know that someday I might just be ready to have kids of my own.

Something to look forward to is always a good thing.

The times they do change.. I will change too.. for the better..

I have had an interesting year. I didn't travel much but I saw a lot and met a lot of nice people. I've made new friends and kept some old ones.  A lot of changes but some things left just the same.

I've tried making the best preparations I can so now I just have to follow through. Music wise, I have the software, the hardware, friends who know how to use it, and more friends that I want to hear the beats and sounds. Story wise, I have the imagination, the stories, and the desire to get those stories read by friends and let others see the worlds I have imagined.

My sisters have helped me focus on my writing and liked the music as well. I have helped my sister with her writing projects and my other sister with her learning focus too.

My friends have been pushing me forward as well telling me that I should pay attention to the music and get more comfortable letting people enjoy the music I play.

So much left to do. So I guess I have to start doing it.

More writing, still making and mixing music and still spending time with friends and family. All good things. Good things that will continue on into the next year. I will make sure of it.

Thanks friends for being there through the year. I am looking forward to the next one even more.

Always friends and fun times at
Gym G Lounge Splash

11-03-10 - The end of the beginning - means you’re in the middle..

A year later and my own “event” has passed and I seem to have made it through. Emotions no longer run as high and the hours no longer take as long to pass. I can remember the days as if they were yesterday. The times when I was referred to as part of a duo and not just as a solo act. I think I reveled in that fact and relaxed backwards, letting myself just drift. The individual days meant nothing because the whole of the thing was just so good. I always had plenty of time, time to relax, time to breathe, time to consider what my next goal would be without having to settle on any one thing.

Then the other half was gone.  The public entity that existed was no more.  I was a single, not a double and I suddenly had people acting as if I was a broken thing. People who I had seen so much of before suddenly viewed me as someone to keep at a distance. Through no fault of my own I was forgotten. Just by some that is, but thankfully I did have more than a few friends and thankfully the rest stepped in and filled the friend void.

For a while I thought I could continue everything like it was, because some of the best parts of my life were spent out and about, with friends, seeing and doing new things. But now I had no one to come back to and talk about it with. No one to compare and contrast, no one to create shared moments that could be contrasted with the moments alone and reveled in. No more plans to make, just the final plans that were already made that had to be lived through alone.

I didn’t want to talk about my feelings but knew I would eventually. For friends that asked I told them exactly what happened how it was that I went from couple to single in five days. I told them how I was as good as can be expected but in my own reality was much worse. I was damaged with far more stress in my recent memory than I think I deserved. Everything else I could handle but this final disruption I could not take and go on as before. For the benefit of everyone on the outside looking in I tried to be the most giving of myself and providing of a good time as I could. But the reserves of this goodwill are not infinite, The heart of the party can beat only so much without blood of life for itself.

Now I know my focus must be on new things but some things are hard to leave behind. Especially when I remember so many good times that just happen to have occurred during those times when I existed as part of a couple. I am no longer that person. So now in finding my new self I have to put even more energy into it. What was good enough for before is no longer the best I can be. Now I have to be even more, for my family, for my friends and not try and replicate that which was already done. Goals I have let myself put far into the future I must now own up to and make them real, real now, not next month, not next year, but now. Now is the the start of that next phase. Someday is Today. Someday is Tonight.

Do something today I can be proud of... Something for me.

I will try my best.

Thanks to the places where my crew runs through:
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

9-17-10 - I Believe

I Believe...

When all has turned to dark and the path looks too shady
When nothing is too sure and all advice points to maybe
Do not start to despair and do not give in to fear
Though all around you negative is what you seem to hear

From deep within and all around the energy does swirl
From skies above to deepest earth in all parts of the world
There are the ones that know the best is still yet to be done
In different states and separate fates the best is still to come

Do not despair and dwell on those who try to break you down
Despite their fears and desperate airs you still can get the crown
No matter darkest day or night, No rivals will there be
To reign on Yours is brightest light, because I do believe.

Your square is fit, Your corner lit, there is no true surprise
Just turn your face, and in that place will be there for your eyes
Just what you need, for true indeed, just waiting patiently..
Because I’ll be, right there for thee, because yes, I believe

In You always, in your corner, in your face..
If you need me in that place
For no other function,
Than you need me. I Believe. In You.

9-07-10 - The colors brighten and then fade. But something new awaits...

Nothing spectacular to report. No new news to impart. Despite all of the wishes and hopes and fond memories nothing truly ever changes except the seasons. I still want so much for things to roll back and branch off on a high note rather than to have things be mundane and urbane and so normal when even a chaos would liven up the regularity that seems to roll in off the waves of the ocean.

I still have hopes, desires, dreams, and plans that I want so much to be able to complete. Music to mix, Songs to sing, stories to write, good times to be had. Friends to enjoy all of these things with over and over again. I am so happy my family and friends have decided to really do their best to just be there, understanding even with no words needed, to have people around you that simply care. New adventures have been enjoyed, new friends have been met, and still the best of times I look forward to lay before me.

Just waiting idly by while so much has been undone would be kind of awful as well. When the days seem to just run together and I feel like I’ve been disconnected, rubbed raw, over-sensitized to just about anything new happening around me, then maybe I need to change. I’ve been a proponent of good change for as long as I can remember but have been letting everything in my vicinity stay the same. I think I will let some things end naturally and I guess I will allow them to stay in the past. But not everything should fade. Some things I want, and even need to grow and brighten and crystallize into something even I don’t know the full design of yet.

If we could plan out every conceivable path then I’m sure we would grow bored when there were no surprises. I have enjoyed the surprises and the well laid plans so far and so I look forward to so many more. As the summer ends, and the days grow shorter and the nights expand to darken to each horizon I know I will be here still. Being sad and idle does not call to me and it never would be something I would choose. I look forward to taking part in something amazing and I know that it’s very possible that something amazing will happen soon. I am happy to know amazing people, I know I am capable of things that are new and amazing in their own right, and nothing I have seen so far changes that feeling. In life, In love, In dreams, In all of the above.

Hanging out with the guys at:
Gym G Lounge Splash

8-16-10 - Summer in the City. If you haven't been having fun, mores the pity…

Summer Nights

Fending off a summer cold is not anyone’s idea of a good time. Thankfully things have been mostly under control. Fun with family and fun times with friends all at the appropriate times and places. I do miss the summer travel this year but thankfully the city has plenty to occupy oneself with even when you see the same places week in and week out.

I have kept an upbeat outlook despite the sameness that has seemed to creep in. To assist with this I have started helping my friends with their various projects, entertainments and events. I have plenty of things to do already but the quiet moments have started to last far too long, especially outside of the weekend so maybe being seen and seeing the scene at new times and places will awaken my own creativity and need to express.

It has been a cool, cool summer so far. I think the rest of summer days and nights will be great as well. I will do my part. I’m sure all of the other people will be on board with that as well.

Special thanks to
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

7-13-10 - Hearts will go on, and not catch on the first driftwood that floats by..

I know I am far more emotional lately than I ever used to be. I had walls and emotional defenses in place that would shame fortified bunkers. I could look hurt and move on quickly while never forgetting the exchange took place. My emotions were my own and only shared at points of my choosing. I never had to worry about embarrassing myself via emotional outburst.

Well those days are no longer. While that might seem like a bad thing at first I can say that what I’ve lost in fortification I’ve gained in sensitivity. I see more and feel more and acknowledge that more things can affect me. I watch and learn but I also take away emotional undertones and know how simple acts can mean much more on a grander scale to some.

When someone offers you something that you do not want, yet you do not want to hurt that persons feelings, Maybe you just feel too much. When you realize you have only known that person for 2 days and so then WANT to hurt their feelings because it would not mean as much as hurt feelings weeks or months later, maybe you just feel too much.

Looking back I can see where I should have just gotten to the point. Knowing that my time and lifetime are far too valuable to waste on pointless exercises with pointless people. If ever faced with the same or similar situation of course I know what I would say and do.

But to get through the lesson the first time is always so hard. It left echoes in my lifetime for days. It makes me angry (still) just to think that someone actually thought they could have my best interests at heart, better than I know for myself. Especially after only knowing me for 2 days.

A light in the middle of the darkness is still a light. It attracts all kinds of things to the glow but really just wants to be next to another light. The twinned glow can look beautiful from a distance but may end up being just a xenon light and a firefly. I will save my own light for a glow that is as bright as my own. I will not settle for an insect. Those I will shoo away and if they won’t go away quietly, then those I will give a healthy swat and then move on.

Sorry witnesses to my emotions, I will be more fun next time:
Gym,  G Lounge, and Splash

6-11-10 - And Then We Must Ask. Why Man Babies. Why?

Why is it when people do not get what they want they must revert to the most childish moments of their lives and start to call people names. These same people who have up to that point, guided them through the most interesting and enlightening parts of the night of their simple life up till this point. This appears to be especially true for the tourist who thinks they are coming to New York and know it all, done it all, and can teach a city person a thing or to.

But then when the city person (or people) do not act like they do on reality television then that city person must be lacking in personality, or realness, or are too jaded to relate to “real” people who happened to crawl out of the depths of the middle of nowhere.

Excuse me but if there were lessons to be learned by living in the middle of nowhere then everyone would be flocking in that direction instead of the opposite of what they do right now and yesterday (and tomorrow). I can do my best to be nice, to show a person a good time, (and their twin sister), and even treat the person to food at the all night bakery. But when someone insists on projecting their own insecurities on the new city people they just met, just because they didn’t get their way, and start to denigrate those same friendly city folk they met, then that is when their own immaturity is brought to light. Projecting petty insecurities and unmet desires on people who only were only trying to be nice is a sad way to go through life silly sonny.

I take notice and realize what a wasted effort it was to try and pull their personality out of the tar pit it was stuck in. I thought I met someone who wanted to learn something, who just before had been asking good questions, and not a been there/done that know-it-all old man in a man-baby's body. I thought I met someone who could be cool, not a prima donna. But as they say time and time again: You cannot make a country mouse into a city mouse. Even if the country mouse is big in their own borough of the hamlet. They just do not compare to the complexity of the mindset of someone who lives, breathes and watches the tourist personality come and go like the tides. I guess (and know) I would do better to devote my energy to those more mature ones, instead of burning through energy trying to save those who are not ready to be pulled onto the raft of reason. The ones who must stay adrift and just attract the sharks and other scavengers before they are ready to face the reality of their situation. And maybe then finally do what must be done. To Grow Up.

Not really sorry that I am sounding "jaded" myself for writing this but I guess I deserve what I get when I try to hang out with the traveling and immature.

As I visited:
Gym Splash

6-10-10 - Preparation is Key

The weeks have been flying by and I always forget that I haven’t blogged in a while. The story writing is coming along and I’m working with my sis to get the horror novel edited and ready to be published. The first of the Pride mixes is complete (the Pre-Party Mix) and I will be able to give it to my friends soon. I’ve planned where I will go. I’ve picked up what I will wear. I know it will be good because I’ve already promised that to myself.

I am so happy that allergy season is almost over. Whenever I forget to take the antihistamines my nose swells up and I get so tired I just want to sleep for the ever. The days are getting longer and the summer is approaching like an elderly driver towards an innocent fruit stand. I have been trying to do so much all at once but I’m still not sure what I want. I’m not even sure I can get what I want. But if I don’t try then I won’t get anything. The Queen does not pardon someone who doesn’t even ask. I wish it was as easy as just asking. But I do know I will have to work for it. And since I’m no longer the youngest and most rambunctious I have to try even harder.

I can do it still though. My friends believe in me, I believe in me, and tomorrow is a new day.

Special Thanks to my friends at:
Gym G Lounge Splash

5-13-10 - Much to do Much to Do

Music and Writing has been keeping me busy. Developed a new storyline (The Royals), made some new mixes, and started releasing some of the mixes digitally. With digital distribution my friends from all over have gotten to hear some of my latest as well as some of the greatest hits.

At first I just posted the mix to mediafire so I could post them to my Facebook. But after they were popular with my FB friends I decided I also wanted to share with my Plurk friends which led to having some new fans cross country and around the world.

Being busy with music and with writing is not the worst thing. I will just have to endeavor to focus and not let the video games, Discovery Channel, Cartoon Network and DVR programming distract me too much. And also stay healthy and enjoy my friends. I will be doing my best. And along with some grand personal realizations in the past few weeks, I will be spinning even more plates in the air than before. But I do my best work under pressure. Let the show begin.

Thanks friends at
Gym G Lounge Splash
we look forward to much fun soon, and of course today

3-27-10 - Clean Slate

First of all:
The Black Party Weekend was a blast.  I had a real good time last Saturday Night with the guys night out.  Even though I wasn’t really blown away by any performances, I was moved by the music and enjoyed myself immensely.  The only maddening part was leaving and realizing that 42nd street was closed because of the half-marathon.  I finally had to illegally cross the street so I could take a taxi home heading downtown. 

Sunday Night was just as good even though I did not stay as long as I had hoped to. Both days I was able to come home and sleep without having to take an ambien and no hurt feet despite the extreme footwear.  My friends enjoyed the pictures and I enjoyed taking them.  I really should get a better camera since the one I have is really just for point and shoot and is waterproof.  Maybe soon.

Personally, I am starting from scratch. On so many levels and in so many parts of my life I am in the midst of a grand reinvention.  I was in need of a rejuvenation of some sort and was so down on myself for so long it seems I am just now turning the corner.   I feel better about myself and know that the writers block I was feeling for the past few weeks seems to be lifting.  Being in a bad mood does not do much for the imagination.  I’ve been very good at giving out the advice so now I will take my own advice and act.  I really don’t have much of a choice in the matter.  I will move forward because living in the past makes no sense and is just wallowing in self-serving emotion.  I'd rather turn that emotion to something more useful and use the energy where it will do the most good.  And I will have fun while doing so.  No sense in just being a bookworm.  We need the people energy to see where to focus our attention next.
 
And a good time will be had by all.
But especially me.

3-18-10 - Fantastic Final and Still More To Come

March Madness. I might have watched a few but not being a college person I have no specific college basketball team to root for.  I’ve been watching a lot of Adultswim on Cartoon Network, various cartoons on Nicktoons network, Archer on FX, Blue Mountain State on Spike, and plenty of HD programming on National Geographic and Discovery Channel.  (I am so looking forward to LIFE series nature documentary by BBC/Discovery)

And I have played and beaten Final Fantasy XIII (it was SO beautiful as the pic shows) and while It was not a high point in the storytelling compared to earlier stories it was still very compelling and I did like all of the characters.  While I got to the end with various teams, I beat FFXIII with Lightning, Vanille, and Hope since the two kids had the hardest hitting magic (despite their lower lifebars).  There were many points in the game where I was cheering and am very happy to have played. Now we must do something else.

We prepare for the weekend. Black Party and all of the surrounding pomp and leather. I will be in the midst of it with the best of them dancing to the beats and then going to have another drink. Thank goodness daylight-savings was last weekend.

I will have to say that even filling out the Census was kind of emotional for this one this year.  Something like that is not supposed to make you sad. But realizing the house is too quiet and that you now require the television because otherwise you feel the weight of the alone time means that I am doubly happy that the weekend has arrived. I look forward to much happy times ahead with my friends.

It will get better I know.  Without the sad parts we would not fully appreciate the happy times.  I will not be taking any of that for granted anytime soon.  I will be out there with a happy smile, parting the crowd and grooving the dance.  It will be good.  That’s my promise to me.

3-3-10 - Break

I was so right, So right
Thought I could turn emotion
On and off
I was so sure, So sure (I was so sure)
But love taught me
Who was who was who was the boss

- Diana Ross - The Boss

I think maybe I was blocked. Mental block. Blockage of the spirit. Stuck in a rut. I was so busy feeling everything and being brought to tears living vicariously through the drama (both televised and real life) that I wasn’t feeling my own feelings.  I wasn’t being honest with myself.  I was skipping past things I needed to stop and remain in.  When I stopped and noticed the realization was crystal for me.  I needed to express, I needed to vent, I needed to have a breakthrough.

I also noticed that some people have treated me with kid gloves. As if I was the most fragile of eggshell vases and could no longer tolerate being handled by normal people.  I am a social person. So when one group of friends seemed to have vanished into the ether I had thankfully already replaced them with friends of my own choosing. Friends who have been there the whole time and have seen me stumble forward, going through the motions and just let me be myself with no apologies or kid gloves necessary.  I may have been emotionally stunted, always positive yet one-dimensional but that was what I needed to be. The depressing alternative would not have been any fun to be around and since I require the social it was a self-fulfillment that I had to be the life of the party to have fun at the party.  But again, I wasn’t allowing myself to really process and feel what I needed to feel. 

I think I have started to do that now.  I realize I still may have to take out some more moments for myself and so I will.  It is very easy to be your own worst enemy. I’d rather be my own best friend.

Still trying to do new things, having a good time when I can and being with the friends who will have me.  All that is required is good drinks and good music. The rest will to fall into place as necessary.    

Thanks Friends and new friends all the time:
Gym

02-14-10 - IF U EVER

If you doubt there is love out there in the world

Look back at yourself and what love you deserve

So many are focused on only themselves

When they should be seeking out others to help

We all have our moments of weakness and doubt

But those self-important we can all do without

As much as you need and as much as give

One should not expect more than it takes just to live

We cannot expect tomorrow to come out today

We cannot just wish all of the hard times away

But we can do our part to make the days better

And help those who need it, ignoring them never

If I Never tell you so, just know that I care

If you ever feel the need, remember I will be there

If there ever is a time that you doubt what I say

Just open your mind and let those doubts fade away

2/8/10 - Kinda Super Sunday

Last year at this time I had a Super Bowl Party at my house. I cooked fried chicken, macaroni salad, lettuce and tomato salad, people came over and we watched the game (and the expensive commercials) on the 61in screen. The guests then had Entenmann’s cake for dessert.

Fast forward to a year later. No calls from friends for where the Super Bowl Party was this year. No needing to cook for a house full of people. I cooked dinner the day before and ate early. I brought along dessert (homemade oatmeal cookies) with me to the sports bar. And gave cookies to my friends. They might be a few different friends than the ones I hung out with last year but is all good.

If I wanted to have a party I would have sent out invites and waited for replies. But I guess I’m not in the mood to be the hostess with the mostest this year. Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe I needed a break. Maybe it’s time to make new traditions. Do new things. See how everyone else is having fun. I think I can do that.

I’m not upset at my friends who haven’t called. They have lives, they have things to do. As do I. At least I thought to send out a few text msgs at half-time and got some cool replies.  The game was good, some of the commercials were funny and all went well. And yes, it was fun. I had a really good time. The sportsbar was definitely the place to be to watch the game. The friends made it fun. New friends made it better. And I will remember smiles and laughing and looking forward to the next time.

Cause yes. There is always a next time.

Thanks for another fun time:
Gym SportsBar

2-1-10 - City Nights and Vampire Slaying

The weekend continued apace as usual. Friends, fun and cool drinks. The Varsity Party at Gym Bar with DJ JD on Friday followed by the F Word party at Rebel. Friends were there and a good time was definitely had. We recharged like a rehydrated sponge and met up with friends on Saturday night as well. Splash with DJ Brett Heinrichsen on Saturday Night. Bright lights, nice dancing. Plenty of people out in the city despite the cold and the beats were good.

The only out of place moment was after my Saturday night was over and I finished my Mickey Ds run at the 4am mark. I flagged down a taxi and got my ride headed back to the BK. The driver was super friendly, then he became creepy friendly and actually seemed like he was overly interested in my well being. Then after my point to point directions he drove past one of the final turns and took me past my block. I guess expecting me to become disoriented. Thankfully I know my neighborhood in all directions so was not at the least bit perturbed. I just had to be a little more pointed with my final directions to the front of my house then I gave him his fare and jumped out like I heard there were bedbugs in the backseat. Just when you relax for a moment (because my mind was all about the getting home to eat my Big Mac) you have driver who is asking to get your number for nefarious purposes. I guess I needed a reminder. There is a reason we wear kevlar lined leather gloves. So we can deal with the big bad city when we need to. Sometimes the strangeness is there to remind us that while we choose to live in the city we still have to be ready for whatever.

Sunday was all about the why wasn’t my internet working while my cable television was fine. Time Warner had an outage that the people on the phone could not provide details on. This meant that worldly connected me was cutoff. And yes this was highly upsetting. Thankfully my perusal of TV in the past week had gotten me addicted to watching Buffy episodes that were in rerun. Of course I have seasons 3 and seasons 7 on DVD so into the PS3 those discs went and I found myself watching episode after episode. Reliving the good times when I used to watch the show religiously back at the turn of the century. All my friends and close associates knew I was addicted to Buffy. I was sad when it went off the off the air but it ended on a high note so all was good. . At the same time re-watching the episodes had me going from happy to sad back and forth because I used to watch the show with someone else. Someone who I can’t watch the show with anymore. They liked the show because of me and liked watching all of my reactions. Yes I scream and laugh at all of the appropriate parts This also means that all the parts that made me smile also made me a little sad. The best good times I remember and still have are good times shared. I guess it will be like this for a while. But I can’t stop having fun because of flashbacks to the fun I used to have. The sadness moments are farther apart but they still come. Here’s to a future with more shared fun moments. And fun moments alone. I do appreciate both kinds after all.

Always the perfect start to the night, friends and fun
Gym

Usually good Thursday Night, almost always great Saturday Night
Splash

1-30-10 - The city life.. It takes some people from the village..

The party life continues (of course). My invite from Lisa Bonelli reminded me that there were good times happening downtown. DJ Victor Calderone was spinning at Cielo and I decided I would try something different than my usual fare. I hadn’t been down there in a hot minute and of course the weather was once again freezing. Why do all of these dance spaces in the meatpacking district have to be in a straight line from the river side? Those icey winds made my toes cold. After waiting on the line for a few minutes I made my way inside. They patted me down, I waited through the coatcheck and I was in there like belvedere. Well I decided on Corona because I had already started my night at Gym Bar where I had already partook of a few Stoli O and Monster glasses and I was already doing pretty good. The crowd was very energetic, very mixed and I was dancing from the very start.

I guess the workouts during the week have served me well. Even dancing with beer in hand I still had plenty of space, no drunk pushing and only one random drunk girl who I almost knocked over in the VIP section. (She was sitting on the couch facing away from the dancefloor and I didn’t see her when I stepped backwards). She said it was ok and we parted with smiles. No attitudes just plenty of fun. Anyway I was able to meet a new friend (Andrea) and hung out with and took pics with DJ Sean. The poor coatcheck girl was working arrivals and departures all by herself so I decided to leave before the great coatcheck rush and get my coat before closing to head on home in the briskness. After I finally flagged down a taxi he asked me why the taxi in front of him had decided to pass me by. I told him that people with my skin color have to work a little harder to get a taxi in NYC. He actually did not believe me (truly naive driver) at first. I told him even with name brand coat and kicks I still have to wait on the good graces of the driver before I can get a ride home. Even when its believe freezing outside. This is why we dress for the weather and don’t let it get to us. Is their problem not mine. I know where I’m going and I tip the fare well. I will get to my destination eventually, no worries.

Thanks for the party start to
Gym

1-28-10 - I’ve watched.. pieces of My life in the movies..

This week I re-watched the movie “Threesome” (1994) about college roommates who form a strange relationship. 2 boys and a girl where each one wants one of the others and they form a friendship that starts to blur the lines.


I always wondered what it would be like to have friends who were that close to you. I don’t mean so close that it really is outright indecent. But rather friends who were emotionally close enough that touching was not an issue. Friends who were secure and fun enough that there wasn’t like some underlying need for sexual-level touching. People who could joke and have fun and then leave the good times as just fun.

I think I’m too old for this now. That train has left the building. I’ve had too many years of tension, repression, strange thoughts, and not enough follow through for the times that passed me by.

Maybe I actually saved myself years of trauma and drama and people who wanted me more than I could dare reciprocate. I have only been fully comfortable in my own body and mind for a nice long decade. The previous (decades) were shy, repressed, unsure, and with no self-esteem. (Not good friend material, and definitely not friend with touch benefits material.) And besides people never believe what other people say if they just say it. It took me so long to be comfortable, and be happy, and know that no matter what happened that I was good enough. I needed to know what I really wanted and why and after knowing if it was good then it would be mine for the having. I had all I wanted. And now I want and need that having again.

Am I being selfish for wanting to have the happiness I dreamed? The happiness I feel I deserve. The happiness I had once… Not that long ago..

I don’t want to depress myself. I know I am capable of great things. I may not have what I want now. But I know I will have it again. I know I will.