I always wondered what it would be like to have friends who were that close to you. I don’t mean so close that it really is outright indecent. But rather friends who were emotionally close enough that touching was not an issue. Friends who were secure and fun enough that there wasn’t like some underlying need for sexual-level touching. People who could joke and have fun and then leave the good times as just fun.
I think I’m too old for this now. That train has left the building. I’ve had too many years of tension, repression, strange thoughts, and not enough follow through for the times that passed me by.
Maybe I actually saved myself years of trauma and drama and people who wanted me more than I could dare reciprocate. I have only been fully comfortable in my own body and mind for a nice long decade. The previous (decades) were shy, repressed, unsure, and with no self-esteem. (Not good friend material, and definitely not friend with touch benefits material.) And besides people never believe what other people say if they just say it. It took me so long to be comfortable, and be happy, and know that no matter what happened that I was good enough. I needed to know what I really wanted and why and after knowing if it was good then it would be mine for the having. I had all I wanted. And now I want and need that having again.
Am I being selfish for wanting to have the happiness I dreamed? The happiness I feel I deserve. The happiness I had once… Not that long ago..
I don’t want to depress myself. I know I am capable of great things. I may not have what I want now. But I know I will have it again. I know I will.
