Thought I could turn emotion
On and off
I was so sure, So sure (I was so sure)
But love taught me
Who was who was who was the boss
- Diana Ross - The Boss
I think maybe I was blocked. Mental block. Blockage of the spirit. Stuck in a rut. I was so busy feeling everything and being brought to tears living vicariously through the drama (both televised and real life) that I wasn’t feeling my own feelings. I wasn’t being honest with myself. I was skipping past things I needed to stop and remain in. When I stopped and noticed the realization was crystal for me. I needed to express, I needed to vent, I needed to have a breakthrough.
I also noticed that some people have treated me with kid gloves. As if I was the most fragile of eggshell vases and could no longer tolerate being handled by normal people. I am a social person. So when one group of friends seemed to have vanished into the ether I had thankfully already replaced them with friends of my own choosing. Friends who have been there the whole time and have seen me stumble forward, going through the motions and just let me be myself with no apologies or kid gloves necessary. I may have been emotionally stunted, always positive yet one-dimensional but that was what I needed to be. The depressing alternative would not have been any fun to be around and since I require the social it was a self-fulfillment that I had to be the life of the party to have fun at the party. But again, I wasn’t allowing myself to really process and feel what I needed to feel.
I think I have started to do that now. I realize I still may have to take out some more moments for myself and so I will. It is very easy to be your own worst enemy. I’d rather be my own best friend.
Still trying to do new things, having a good time when I can and being with the friends who will have me. All that is required is good drinks and good music. The rest will to fall into place as necessary.
Thanks Friends and new friends all the time:
Gym
