1-30-10 - The city life.. It takes some people from the village..

The party life continues (of course). My invite from Lisa Bonelli reminded me that there were good times happening downtown. DJ Victor Calderone was spinning at Cielo and I decided I would try something different than my usual fare. I hadn’t been down there in a hot minute and of course the weather was once again freezing. Why do all of these dance spaces in the meatpacking district have to be in a straight line from the river side? Those icey winds made my toes cold. After waiting on the line for a few minutes I made my way inside. They patted me down, I waited through the coatcheck and I was in there like belvedere. Well I decided on Corona because I had already started my night at Gym Bar where I had already partook of a few Stoli O and Monster glasses and I was already doing pretty good. The crowd was very energetic, very mixed and I was dancing from the very start.

I guess the workouts during the week have served me well. Even dancing with beer in hand I still had plenty of space, no drunk pushing and only one random drunk girl who I almost knocked over in the VIP section. (She was sitting on the couch facing away from the dancefloor and I didn’t see her when I stepped backwards). She said it was ok and we parted with smiles. No attitudes just plenty of fun. Anyway I was able to meet a new friend (Andrea) and hung out with and took pics with DJ Sean. The poor coatcheck girl was working arrivals and departures all by herself so I decided to leave before the great coatcheck rush and get my coat before closing to head on home in the briskness. After I finally flagged down a taxi he asked me why the taxi in front of him had decided to pass me by. I told him that people with my skin color have to work a little harder to get a taxi in NYC. He actually did not believe me (truly naive driver) at first. I told him even with name brand coat and kicks I still have to wait on the good graces of the driver before I can get a ride home. Even when its believe freezing outside. This is why we dress for the weather and don’t let it get to us. Is their problem not mine. I know where I’m going and I tip the fare well. I will get to my destination eventually, no worries.

Thanks for the party start to
Gym

1-28-10 - I’ve watched.. pieces of My life in the movies..

This week I re-watched the movie “Threesome” (1994) about college roommates who form a strange relationship. 2 boys and a girl where each one wants one of the others and they form a friendship that starts to blur the lines.


I always wondered what it would be like to have friends who were that close to you. I don’t mean so close that it really is outright indecent. But rather friends who were emotionally close enough that touching was not an issue. Friends who were secure and fun enough that there wasn’t like some underlying need for sexual-level touching. People who could joke and have fun and then leave the good times as just fun.

I think I’m too old for this now. That train has left the building. I’ve had too many years of tension, repression, strange thoughts, and not enough follow through for the times that passed me by.

Maybe I actually saved myself years of trauma and drama and people who wanted me more than I could dare reciprocate. I have only been fully comfortable in my own body and mind for a nice long decade. The previous (decades) were shy, repressed, unsure, and with no self-esteem. (Not good friend material, and definitely not friend with touch benefits material.) And besides people never believe what other people say if they just say it. It took me so long to be comfortable, and be happy, and know that no matter what happened that I was good enough. I needed to know what I really wanted and why and after knowing if it was good then it would be mine for the having. I had all I wanted. And now I want and need that having again.

Am I being selfish for wanting to have the happiness I dreamed? The happiness I feel I deserve. The happiness I had once… Not that long ago..

I don’t want to depress myself. I know I am capable of great things. I may not have what I want now. But I know I will have it again. I know I will.

1-25-10 - So Kreative…

A Blog Meme, that I liked because its all about spreading information. And because everybody likes a good meme. 7 things to do.

This meme comes with 7 strict rules that I had to obey.

1. Thanks Dyl in the UK for letting me know you liked what you read enough to mention me.

2. Copy the Award Logo and place it In your blog













3. Link to the person who nominated you

Please go visit Dyl at Gecko Echo

4. Name 7 things about you that people might find interesting

a. I was a virgin till I was 25. Then oil was struck, the well was tapped and the west was won.
b. I used to collect comics. I have them bagged and in boxes in my closet. I stopped collecting comics when I realized I was spending between $75-100 a month and I decided I needed the money for other things. Like drinks.
c. I can type 60 words per minute,
d. I cut my own hair, myself, weekly.
d. I’m very much into future tech stuff. I want the future now. Since I can’t build a time machine and have tomorrow stuff now I guess I have to write about it.
f. I grew up very religious and though I still believe in a creator, I’m definitely not religious now. Unless you can find God in music.
g. Though I’m usually force for good, I know I would make a great super-villian.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers and post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

I read a lot of blogs on a lot of topics but here are 7 that I think are Kreativ and worthy of mention.

Dyl at Gecko Echo who was one of the first blogs I followed when blogger gave me the option to follow blogs and know when they were updated.

Joe at Joe. My. God. because he is funny, I agree with him (usually) and he is very nice and down to earth in person.

Dlisted at Dlisted.combecause the site saves me from ever having any desire to read a tabloid and its just SO funny.

Andy Towle at Towleroad because its one of the first blogs I paid attention to regularly and always shows me something new. And some of the commenters are hilarious.

Bears in Games at Bears in Games
because otherwise I would not know about some of those games and they sound like fun or just sound funny.

Z at ZReveals. Another person who was very personable. And has a Humor that rings true to life.

Queerty.Com (Queerty) because just in case I miss hearing about something I can usually catch up on it there. And some of the articles are very thought provoking.

6. Someone before me forget to post rule 6
(Methinks this is just a way to force one to read a lot of new blogs to see if someone knows what number 6 is)

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.
Hmm. The ones who need to know will know.

1-23-10 - Really though.. Yes Really

This week I’ve been upfront, cruel, fun-loving, good and tired. Not all at the same time of course.

The party on Sunday at M2 was surprisingly good. From the opening DJ Pagano to the headliner DJs Chus & Ceballos. I was dancing the entire time. I actually had not planned on going but since everyone was off work on Monday I decided to surprise my friends and show up to say hi. I said an awful lot of hellos, posed for a lot of pictures and I was dancing until 8:30am and then only left because I wanted to spare my feet any hard feelings. They had me hooked from "Fight Again" by Deux as well as "Sundays at Heaven" by Velarde, Luque, and Vitti feat Giovanni. As well as a lot of current good dark beats.

During the week I had to be cruel (kinda, maybe) when someone asked me a favor. Yes they are in a bad situation but that does not automatically obligate me to put myself out and help. Especially when same friend CONSTANTLY puts themselves in these situations. Is like the perils of Penelope Pitstop. The drama is old now. We are no longer entertained or amused. Being upfront with my expectations is all I can do. Poor planning on your part does not mean that the emergency encompasses me and mine. Especially when I have nothing to do with it. Some lessons are only learned when the safety has been removed (safety net or safety on the trigger).

Even the small bit of help I did extend wore me down, gave me a headache and inconvenienced my time management. I’ve decided that will no longer continue. All decisions are final. It’s one of the only habits I started as a teenager that I’ve held true to till now. I don’t change my mind when I’ve told someone no, stated my plans to witnesses and put my decision into words. Being wishy-washy has never seemed like a good thing especially when viewing the wild mess that people seem to get themselves into. I am not perfect by any means but I have left the major flubs in my past and am past most major destructions to my life and living situation. Some people seem to invite the drama like flies to spilt fruit juice and I have to put myself at a distance.

The weekend begins as it should doing fun stuff. With friends. And of course good music. I’ve danced with my friends and I’ve danced alone in the crowd but I had fun the entire time. I also arrived back home alive to tell the tale. Lady Gaga give-aways on Thursday Night with the crowd going wild (and me doing impromptu stage crowd control). On Friday night the drag-off contest at the F Word party at Club Rebel was fun. I was sorry that Britney Houston took second place in the contest but Spicky Hilton singing live really was cool to see.

I paid my phone bill a month early (since I already paid my bill 2 weeks ago) so that the phone donations (text message donations) can be forwarded from the phone company to the charities that need the funds. Every little bit helps I’m sure. When I heard that millions of dollars collected that way was not going where it was needed until people pay their phone bills I decided the least I could do was pay my bill as soon as possible. I hope everyone else remembers to pay their bills soon too. The best that we can do is do something. I guess. Stuff like this brings tears to my eyes for sure. Maybe I’m getting sensitive in my (not so) old age. Yes, we can be strong when we need to be but feel the ache in our hearts and respond correct if we have to. I just know that whatever pain I feel is a drop in the bottom of the river of sadness that happens when a persons whole world lies in ruins. Maybe some of the tears are for myself because they were just waiting to be shed. But the trigger event deserves so much more than the little bit of sadness I may go through. Yes I have seen the face of tragic and untimely badness right in my own life. But I can pick up my life and continue cause that’s what I do. That’s totally different than when you have nothing to pick up because it is all ruins and all around you is death and devastation. I can only hope that this is a turning point and we will hear that good things happen soon for so many who need it and need it now. Truthfully.

I have already made the decision to be more connected to my world. I will be paying attention and responding as necessary. I will blog, I will micro-blog, I will write (a lot), I will listen to my friends and be a friend. I will enjoy my music and I will dance. I won’t pass too much time just watching DVR programming and drivel. I will do what needs to be done to move myself and my goals forward. I have a lot of things to look forward to and I will make sure I am paying attention so I don’t miss anything. Attention Deficit at the wrong time could mean I miss something that really shouldn’t be missed. I can’t undo the past. But I can make a future.

Thanks for the good times at:
Gym
F Word at Rebel
Splash

1-16-10 - We can rebuild him… Better.. Stronger.. Faster

It’s been pretty cold but I dress for the best when I leave my house as I am not a fan of the frostbite (been mighty close to that and not planning on a repeat). My brushes with the cold when I was younger means I have bad circulation in my extremities. “Cold hands, Warm Heart” they say so maybe it’s not all bad. The weekend will be a little warmer so we will look forward to that.

I am liking the results after the second week of regular gym visits. I really had no excuse for not going and I totally know the benefits. A little caffeine (and I do mean a little, I don’t need the jittery) goes a long way to making sure I am up and ready to push through the entire workout. Especially with the elliptical ski/run machines. I even got complimented that I am starting to fill out again. I guess the bod was all going soft from disuse but was still there ready to be re-inflated. Muscle memory is a good thing. Nice.

Unexpected (by that I mean totally expected) side-effect of going to the gym 3x a week has been more predictable control of when I want to go to sleep. Meaning I don’t fall asleep at 7pm and wake up at 10pm just because I ate a nice dinner. I now can stay up after a big meal, finish out my evening at a pace of my choosing, reading, DVR review or whatever. Getting a nice uninterrupted 7½ to 8hrs of sleep is the true goodness. The long naps totally destroy my sleep cycle. My favorite has always been the 15 - 30 min nap. Which is almost like pushing the reset button. Having one long sleep is a luxury that I definitely am all over. Yes the sunlight still wakes me up, (even through the thick curtains and the blinds) but I can go right back to sleep. In the past, I had been using Valerian, or Ambien to go to sleep when I wanted/needed an assured rest but I would feel the effects the next day, with a lethargy that would persist. I am happy that now the desire to sleep is all mine, without the help of a few sips of Cabernet Sauvignon or any combination of pills.

I have tried to reduce my levels of stress to what I can bear. The stuff that I can control I will exercise that control. I dodged a bullet with regards to taking on too much of someone else’s issues and am happy with my final choice. Big thanks to the assistance of chaos working on my behalf to cause that issue to resolve itself before I closed the final door.

Yes I like to think that chaos theory is helpful when I am trying to be a force for good myself. Just being in the right place for the right time and saying or doing the right thing can totally change your outlook and your immediate future.

The long weekend brings choices and makes me continue to re-evaluate what is important. How and when I spend my time. Who with and where I spend it. And what am I doing it all for. I will endeavor to do better on the networking front, and make sure that people know just what my valuable traits are. The big picture is getting bigger all the time and I am seeing the sunrise of my new day with new eyes. A new way of looking at everything is right on the edge of my window to the world. I want to understand just what I still need to do to make everything else follow accordingly. I am still emotionally fragile, but am more resilient than before. The tears are there for more happy things than the sad things. Like when I am watching DVR programming. (Thank goodness I don't watch Lifetime) It's good to feel.

I know it won’t all be nice, neat and orderly. I know I won’t be understanding the meaning of life anytime soon. (Well, maybe, LOL) But I definitely will not sit back and refuse to take part because things are too hard or I don’t see where the end of the road is. If I don't go all out now there is no backup to take my dreams and run with them. There is no 2 extra lives or a 1-up waiting for me if I do this wrong. So I will make this the chance I’ve been setup to take advantage of my whole life. Ready, Aim, and I will be on Fire..

Thanks again to all my friends and hangout buddies.
Gym
Splash

1-15-10 - Its a Sad Sad World..

Just a brief note:
Just because I don’t mention it does not mean I don’t pay attention to the world and see the badness occurring every day all around us. I’m not so self absorbed that I don’t notice. My heart does go out to those who are going through it as we speak.

Right here in this country, as well as worldwide, there is hunger, crime, and victims of natural disasters. I'm all for helping and assisting where one can. But I know I can’t let the problems of the world paralyze me with tears, or make me forget the things that I try to do every day, for my friends, for my neighborhood, for my own little part of the world.

There is enough doom and gloom on the interwebs without me adding to it.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

1/9/2010 - Spaces left empty and Space-bags

So I decided to save on the monthly fee and get all of my stuff out of storage. Thank goodness my sister, brother and cousin were available to help me move my stuff. Crates of comic books, my portable gas grill, books and some stuff that really should have been thrown away (a joystick for the PC, a book on mail-order shopping, etc.). This reorganization is going to take a while but I needed to clean my house up anyway. Finding places to put all of this stuff forces me to go ahead and do it.

I actually went the infomercial route (on the website) and bought space-bags (hyphen added by me). They do the job except for the fact that an extra large bag becomes an extra heavy clothes-brick when it is full. Lifting that bag onto the closet shelf was an upper body workout for sure.

I also have to find out a place to donate all of my old sneakers (thanks again storage) that I forgot I owned. Hopefully a drop-off will be located soon.

I am very happy to say that I even went to the gym this week (more than once) and plan on doing so more regularly than before. I have been paying for this gym membership every month and it really is irresponsible to let that money go to waste. I will set aside the time and take care of myself like I am supposed to. Thank goodness I did not go to seed and can still wear all of my clothes. I don't wanna go soft when I have no excuse.

This new year I have decided to not waste time doing the same old things. I will be direct with myself, with my friends and stop letting people take advantage of my time and effort (and limited funds). Everything must have limits.

On the nightlife side I have tried to check out new venues (Rock Bar, The F Word party at Club Rebel) and have had fun with my friends new and old.

Last night (3am) I even got to break up a fight (same fight 3 times until one of the participants was dragged away by security). I didn't spill my beer and no one left any blood on the dancefloor (thankfully), no matter how dramatic it appeared to the onlookers. Afterwards I stayed awake (barely) on the way home and remembered to brush my teeth before I went to bed. The teeth brushing when you are drop dead tired is something I promised I would do so my mouth would not taste like beer in the morning.

I still have a lot to do. I let everything just pile on until the end of last year felt like I was getting crushed. The happy face that everyone saw every weekend was a cruel facade over my pain but the emotional lumps have receded (a little) and I am no longer as spiritually wounded as I was in the months past.

People say you start out the year as you want it to continue. If I let myself stand still then I will be still with nothing to look forward to but empty gestures. If nothing happens I have no one to blame but myself. I have rested on my complacency laurels for long enough. Now I can get up off the floor and come out kicking (and swinging if necessary). My life needed a swift kick and now I'm going to prove that no life injury is too big to recover from.

I will not forget what got me to this point. The love of one and the love of the many helped me be who I am. And I will love again.

Special shout out to my bar/club friends at
Gym
Splash