3-27-10 - Clean Slate

First of all:
The Black Party Weekend was a blast.  I had a real good time last Saturday Night with the guys night out.  Even though I wasn’t really blown away by any performances, I was moved by the music and enjoyed myself immensely.  The only maddening part was leaving and realizing that 42nd street was closed because of the half-marathon.  I finally had to illegally cross the street so I could take a taxi home heading downtown. 

Sunday Night was just as good even though I did not stay as long as I had hoped to. Both days I was able to come home and sleep without having to take an ambien and no hurt feet despite the extreme footwear.  My friends enjoyed the pictures and I enjoyed taking them.  I really should get a better camera since the one I have is really just for point and shoot and is waterproof.  Maybe soon.

Personally, I am starting from scratch. On so many levels and in so many parts of my life I am in the midst of a grand reinvention.  I was in need of a rejuvenation of some sort and was so down on myself for so long it seems I am just now turning the corner.   I feel better about myself and know that the writers block I was feeling for the past few weeks seems to be lifting.  Being in a bad mood does not do much for the imagination.  I’ve been very good at giving out the advice so now I will take my own advice and act.  I really don’t have much of a choice in the matter.  I will move forward because living in the past makes no sense and is just wallowing in self-serving emotion.  I'd rather turn that emotion to something more useful and use the energy where it will do the most good.  And I will have fun while doing so.  No sense in just being a bookworm.  We need the people energy to see where to focus our attention next.
 
And a good time will be had by all.
But especially me.

3-18-10 - Fantastic Final and Still More To Come

March Madness. I might have watched a few but not being a college person I have no specific college basketball team to root for.  I’ve been watching a lot of Adultswim on Cartoon Network, various cartoons on Nicktoons network, Archer on FX, Blue Mountain State on Spike, and plenty of HD programming on National Geographic and Discovery Channel.  (I am so looking forward to LIFE series nature documentary by BBC/Discovery)

And I have played and beaten Final Fantasy XIII (it was SO beautiful as the pic shows) and while It was not a high point in the storytelling compared to earlier stories it was still very compelling and I did like all of the characters.  While I got to the end with various teams, I beat FFXIII with Lightning, Vanille, and Hope since the two kids had the hardest hitting magic (despite their lower lifebars).  There were many points in the game where I was cheering and am very happy to have played. Now we must do something else.

We prepare for the weekend. Black Party and all of the surrounding pomp and leather. I will be in the midst of it with the best of them dancing to the beats and then going to have another drink. Thank goodness daylight-savings was last weekend.

I will have to say that even filling out the Census was kind of emotional for this one this year.  Something like that is not supposed to make you sad. But realizing the house is too quiet and that you now require the television because otherwise you feel the weight of the alone time means that I am doubly happy that the weekend has arrived. I look forward to much happy times ahead with my friends.

It will get better I know.  Without the sad parts we would not fully appreciate the happy times.  I will not be taking any of that for granted anytime soon.  I will be out there with a happy smile, parting the crowd and grooving the dance.  It will be good.  That’s my promise to me.

3-3-10 - Break

I was so right, So right
Thought I could turn emotion
On and off
I was so sure, So sure (I was so sure)
But love taught me
Who was who was who was the boss

- Diana Ross - The Boss

I think maybe I was blocked. Mental block. Blockage of the spirit. Stuck in a rut. I was so busy feeling everything and being brought to tears living vicariously through the drama (both televised and real life) that I wasn’t feeling my own feelings.  I wasn’t being honest with myself.  I was skipping past things I needed to stop and remain in.  When I stopped and noticed the realization was crystal for me.  I needed to express, I needed to vent, I needed to have a breakthrough.

I also noticed that some people have treated me with kid gloves. As if I was the most fragile of eggshell vases and could no longer tolerate being handled by normal people.  I am a social person. So when one group of friends seemed to have vanished into the ether I had thankfully already replaced them with friends of my own choosing. Friends who have been there the whole time and have seen me stumble forward, going through the motions and just let me be myself with no apologies or kid gloves necessary.  I may have been emotionally stunted, always positive yet one-dimensional but that was what I needed to be. The depressing alternative would not have been any fun to be around and since I require the social it was a self-fulfillment that I had to be the life of the party to have fun at the party.  But again, I wasn’t allowing myself to really process and feel what I needed to feel. 

I think I have started to do that now.  I realize I still may have to take out some more moments for myself and so I will.  It is very easy to be your own worst enemy. I’d rather be my own best friend.

Still trying to do new things, having a good time when I can and being with the friends who will have me.  All that is required is good drinks and good music. The rest will to fall into place as necessary.    

Thanks Friends and new friends all the time:
Gym

02-14-10 - IF U EVER

If you doubt there is love out there in the world

Look back at yourself and what love you deserve

So many are focused on only themselves

When they should be seeking out others to help

We all have our moments of weakness and doubt

But those self-important we can all do without

As much as you need and as much as give

One should not expect more than it takes just to live

We cannot expect tomorrow to come out today

We cannot just wish all of the hard times away

But we can do our part to make the days better

And help those who need it, ignoring them never

If I Never tell you so, just know that I care

If you ever feel the need, remember I will be there

If there ever is a time that you doubt what I say

Just open your mind and let those doubts fade away

2/8/10 - Kinda Super Sunday

Last year at this time I had a Super Bowl Party at my house. I cooked fried chicken, macaroni salad, lettuce and tomato salad, people came over and we watched the game (and the expensive commercials) on the 61in screen. The guests then had Entenmann’s cake for dessert.

Fast forward to a year later. No calls from friends for where the Super Bowl Party was this year. No needing to cook for a house full of people. I cooked dinner the day before and ate early. I brought along dessert (homemade oatmeal cookies) with me to the sports bar. And gave cookies to my friends. They might be a few different friends than the ones I hung out with last year but is all good.

If I wanted to have a party I would have sent out invites and waited for replies. But I guess I’m not in the mood to be the hostess with the mostest this year. Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe I needed a break. Maybe it’s time to make new traditions. Do new things. See how everyone else is having fun. I think I can do that.

I’m not upset at my friends who haven’t called. They have lives, they have things to do. As do I. At least I thought to send out a few text msgs at half-time and got some cool replies.  The game was good, some of the commercials were funny and all went well. And yes, it was fun. I had a really good time. The sportsbar was definitely the place to be to watch the game. The friends made it fun. New friends made it better. And I will remember smiles and laughing and looking forward to the next time.

Cause yes. There is always a next time.

Thanks for another fun time:
Gym SportsBar

2-1-10 - City Nights and Vampire Slaying

The weekend continued apace as usual. Friends, fun and cool drinks. The Varsity Party at Gym Bar with DJ JD on Friday followed by the F Word party at Rebel. Friends were there and a good time was definitely had. We recharged like a rehydrated sponge and met up with friends on Saturday night as well. Splash with DJ Brett Heinrichsen on Saturday Night. Bright lights, nice dancing. Plenty of people out in the city despite the cold and the beats were good.

The only out of place moment was after my Saturday night was over and I finished my Mickey Ds run at the 4am mark. I flagged down a taxi and got my ride headed back to the BK. The driver was super friendly, then he became creepy friendly and actually seemed like he was overly interested in my well being. Then after my point to point directions he drove past one of the final turns and took me past my block. I guess expecting me to become disoriented. Thankfully I know my neighborhood in all directions so was not at the least bit perturbed. I just had to be a little more pointed with my final directions to the front of my house then I gave him his fare and jumped out like I heard there were bedbugs in the backseat. Just when you relax for a moment (because my mind was all about the getting home to eat my Big Mac) you have driver who is asking to get your number for nefarious purposes. I guess I needed a reminder. There is a reason we wear kevlar lined leather gloves. So we can deal with the big bad city when we need to. Sometimes the strangeness is there to remind us that while we choose to live in the city we still have to be ready for whatever.

Sunday was all about the why wasn’t my internet working while my cable television was fine. Time Warner had an outage that the people on the phone could not provide details on. This meant that worldly connected me was cutoff. And yes this was highly upsetting. Thankfully my perusal of TV in the past week had gotten me addicted to watching Buffy episodes that were in rerun. Of course I have seasons 3 and seasons 7 on DVD so into the PS3 those discs went and I found myself watching episode after episode. Reliving the good times when I used to watch the show religiously back at the turn of the century. All my friends and close associates knew I was addicted to Buffy. I was sad when it went off the off the air but it ended on a high note so all was good. . At the same time re-watching the episodes had me going from happy to sad back and forth because I used to watch the show with someone else. Someone who I can’t watch the show with anymore. They liked the show because of me and liked watching all of my reactions. Yes I scream and laugh at all of the appropriate parts This also means that all the parts that made me smile also made me a little sad. The best good times I remember and still have are good times shared. I guess it will be like this for a while. But I can’t stop having fun because of flashbacks to the fun I used to have. The sadness moments are farther apart but they still come. Here’s to a future with more shared fun moments. And fun moments alone. I do appreciate both kinds after all.

Always the perfect start to the night, friends and fun
Gym

Usually good Thursday Night, almost always great Saturday Night
Splash