3-27-10 - Clean Slate

First of all:
The Black Party Weekend was a blast.  I had a real good time last Saturday Night with the guys night out.  Even though I wasn’t really blown away by any performances, I was moved by the music and enjoyed myself immensely.  The only maddening part was leaving and realizing that 42nd street was closed because of the half-marathon.  I finally had to illegally cross the street so I could take a taxi home heading downtown. 

Sunday Night was just as good even though I did not stay as long as I had hoped to. Both days I was able to come home and sleep without having to take an ambien and no hurt feet despite the extreme footwear.  My friends enjoyed the pictures and I enjoyed taking them.  I really should get a better camera since the one I have is really just for point and shoot and is waterproof.  Maybe soon.

Personally, I am starting from scratch. On so many levels and in so many parts of my life I am in the midst of a grand reinvention.  I was in need of a rejuvenation of some sort and was so down on myself for so long it seems I am just now turning the corner.   I feel better about myself and know that the writers block I was feeling for the past few weeks seems to be lifting.  Being in a bad mood does not do much for the imagination.  I’ve been very good at giving out the advice so now I will take my own advice and act.  I really don’t have much of a choice in the matter.  I will move forward because living in the past makes no sense and is just wallowing in self-serving emotion.  I'd rather turn that emotion to something more useful and use the energy where it will do the most good.  And I will have fun while doing so.  No sense in just being a bookworm.  We need the people energy to see where to focus our attention next.
 
And a good time will be had by all.
But especially me.

3-18-10 - Fantastic Final and Still More To Come

March Madness. I might have watched a few but not being a college person I have no specific college basketball team to root for.  I’ve been watching a lot of Adultswim on Cartoon Network, various cartoons on Nicktoons network, Archer on FX, Blue Mountain State on Spike, and plenty of HD programming on National Geographic and Discovery Channel.  (I am so looking forward to LIFE series nature documentary by BBC/Discovery)

And I have played and beaten Final Fantasy XIII (it was SO beautiful as the pic shows) and while It was not a high point in the storytelling compared to earlier stories it was still very compelling and I did like all of the characters.  While I got to the end with various teams, I beat FFXIII with Lightning, Vanille, and Hope since the two kids had the hardest hitting magic (despite their lower lifebars).  There were many points in the game where I was cheering and am very happy to have played. Now we must do something else.

We prepare for the weekend. Black Party and all of the surrounding pomp and leather. I will be in the midst of it with the best of them dancing to the beats and then going to have another drink. Thank goodness daylight-savings was last weekend.

I will have to say that even filling out the Census was kind of emotional for this one this year.  Something like that is not supposed to make you sad. But realizing the house is too quiet and that you now require the television because otherwise you feel the weight of the alone time means that I am doubly happy that the weekend has arrived. I look forward to much happy times ahead with my friends.

It will get better I know.  Without the sad parts we would not fully appreciate the happy times.  I will not be taking any of that for granted anytime soon.  I will be out there with a happy smile, parting the crowd and grooving the dance.  It will be good.  That’s my promise to me.

3-3-10 - Break

I was so right, So right
Thought I could turn emotion
On and off
I was so sure, So sure (I was so sure)
But love taught me
Who was who was who was the boss

- Diana Ross - The Boss

I think maybe I was blocked. Mental block. Blockage of the spirit. Stuck in a rut. I was so busy feeling everything and being brought to tears living vicariously through the drama (both televised and real life) that I wasn’t feeling my own feelings.  I wasn’t being honest with myself.  I was skipping past things I needed to stop and remain in.  When I stopped and noticed the realization was crystal for me.  I needed to express, I needed to vent, I needed to have a breakthrough.

I also noticed that some people have treated me with kid gloves. As if I was the most fragile of eggshell vases and could no longer tolerate being handled by normal people.  I am a social person. So when one group of friends seemed to have vanished into the ether I had thankfully already replaced them with friends of my own choosing. Friends who have been there the whole time and have seen me stumble forward, going through the motions and just let me be myself with no apologies or kid gloves necessary.  I may have been emotionally stunted, always positive yet one-dimensional but that was what I needed to be. The depressing alternative would not have been any fun to be around and since I require the social it was a self-fulfillment that I had to be the life of the party to have fun at the party.  But again, I wasn’t allowing myself to really process and feel what I needed to feel. 

I think I have started to do that now.  I realize I still may have to take out some more moments for myself and so I will.  It is very easy to be your own worst enemy. I’d rather be my own best friend.

Still trying to do new things, having a good time when I can and being with the friends who will have me.  All that is required is good drinks and good music. The rest will to fall into place as necessary.    

Thanks Friends and new friends all the time:
Gym