11-03-10 - The end of the beginning - means you’re in the middle..

A year later and my own “event” has passed and I seem to have made it through. Emotions no longer run as high and the hours no longer take as long to pass. I can remember the days as if they were yesterday. The times when I was referred to as part of a duo and not just as a solo act. I think I reveled in that fact and relaxed backwards, letting myself just drift. The individual days meant nothing because the whole of the thing was just so good. I always had plenty of time, time to relax, time to breathe, time to consider what my next goal would be without having to settle on any one thing.

Then the other half was gone.  The public entity that existed was no more.  I was a single, not a double and I suddenly had people acting as if I was a broken thing. People who I had seen so much of before suddenly viewed me as someone to keep at a distance. Through no fault of my own I was forgotten. Just by some that is, but thankfully I did have more than a few friends and thankfully the rest stepped in and filled the friend void.

For a while I thought I could continue everything like it was, because some of the best parts of my life were spent out and about, with friends, seeing and doing new things. But now I had no one to come back to and talk about it with. No one to compare and contrast, no one to create shared moments that could be contrasted with the moments alone and reveled in. No more plans to make, just the final plans that were already made that had to be lived through alone.

I didn’t want to talk about my feelings but knew I would eventually. For friends that asked I told them exactly what happened how it was that I went from couple to single in five days. I told them how I was as good as can be expected but in my own reality was much worse. I was damaged with far more stress in my recent memory than I think I deserved. Everything else I could handle but this final disruption I could not take and go on as before. For the benefit of everyone on the outside looking in I tried to be the most giving of myself and providing of a good time as I could. But the reserves of this goodwill are not infinite, The heart of the party can beat only so much without blood of life for itself.

Now I know my focus must be on new things but some things are hard to leave behind. Especially when I remember so many good times that just happen to have occurred during those times when I existed as part of a couple. I am no longer that person. So now in finding my new self I have to put even more energy into it. What was good enough for before is no longer the best I can be. Now I have to be even more, for my family, for my friends and not try and replicate that which was already done. Goals I have let myself put far into the future I must now own up to and make them real, real now, not next month, not next year, but now. Now is the the start of that next phase. Someday is Today. Someday is Tonight.

Do something today I can be proud of... Something for me.

I will try my best.

Thanks to the places where my crew runs through:
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

2-1-10 - City Nights and Vampire Slaying

The weekend continued apace as usual. Friends, fun and cool drinks. The Varsity Party at Gym Bar with DJ JD on Friday followed by the F Word party at Rebel. Friends were there and a good time was definitely had. We recharged like a rehydrated sponge and met up with friends on Saturday night as well. Splash with DJ Brett Heinrichsen on Saturday Night. Bright lights, nice dancing. Plenty of people out in the city despite the cold and the beats were good.

The only out of place moment was after my Saturday night was over and I finished my Mickey Ds run at the 4am mark. I flagged down a taxi and got my ride headed back to the BK. The driver was super friendly, then he became creepy friendly and actually seemed like he was overly interested in my well being. Then after my point to point directions he drove past one of the final turns and took me past my block. I guess expecting me to become disoriented. Thankfully I know my neighborhood in all directions so was not at the least bit perturbed. I just had to be a little more pointed with my final directions to the front of my house then I gave him his fare and jumped out like I heard there were bedbugs in the backseat. Just when you relax for a moment (because my mind was all about the getting home to eat my Big Mac) you have driver who is asking to get your number for nefarious purposes. I guess I needed a reminder. There is a reason we wear kevlar lined leather gloves. So we can deal with the big bad city when we need to. Sometimes the strangeness is there to remind us that while we choose to live in the city we still have to be ready for whatever.

Sunday was all about the why wasn’t my internet working while my cable television was fine. Time Warner had an outage that the people on the phone could not provide details on. This meant that worldly connected me was cutoff. And yes this was highly upsetting. Thankfully my perusal of TV in the past week had gotten me addicted to watching Buffy episodes that were in rerun. Of course I have seasons 3 and seasons 7 on DVD so into the PS3 those discs went and I found myself watching episode after episode. Reliving the good times when I used to watch the show religiously back at the turn of the century. All my friends and close associates knew I was addicted to Buffy. I was sad when it went off the off the air but it ended on a high note so all was good. . At the same time re-watching the episodes had me going from happy to sad back and forth because I used to watch the show with someone else. Someone who I can’t watch the show with anymore. They liked the show because of me and liked watching all of my reactions. Yes I scream and laugh at all of the appropriate parts This also means that all the parts that made me smile also made me a little sad. The best good times I remember and still have are good times shared. I guess it will be like this for a while. But I can’t stop having fun because of flashbacks to the fun I used to have. The sadness moments are farther apart but they still come. Here’s to a future with more shared fun moments. And fun moments alone. I do appreciate both kinds after all.

Always the perfect start to the night, friends and fun
Gym

Usually good Thursday Night, almost always great Saturday Night
Splash

1-28-10 - I’ve watched.. pieces of My life in the movies..

This week I re-watched the movie “Threesome” (1994) about college roommates who form a strange relationship. 2 boys and a girl where each one wants one of the others and they form a friendship that starts to blur the lines.


I always wondered what it would be like to have friends who were that close to you. I don’t mean so close that it really is outright indecent. But rather friends who were emotionally close enough that touching was not an issue. Friends who were secure and fun enough that there wasn’t like some underlying need for sexual-level touching. People who could joke and have fun and then leave the good times as just fun.

I think I’m too old for this now. That train has left the building. I’ve had too many years of tension, repression, strange thoughts, and not enough follow through for the times that passed me by.

Maybe I actually saved myself years of trauma and drama and people who wanted me more than I could dare reciprocate. I have only been fully comfortable in my own body and mind for a nice long decade. The previous (decades) were shy, repressed, unsure, and with no self-esteem. (Not good friend material, and definitely not friend with touch benefits material.) And besides people never believe what other people say if they just say it. It took me so long to be comfortable, and be happy, and know that no matter what happened that I was good enough. I needed to know what I really wanted and why and after knowing if it was good then it would be mine for the having. I had all I wanted. And now I want and need that having again.

Am I being selfish for wanting to have the happiness I dreamed? The happiness I feel I deserve. The happiness I had once… Not that long ago..

I don’t want to depress myself. I know I am capable of great things. I may not have what I want now. But I know I will have it again. I know I will.