11-03-10 - The end of the beginning - means you’re in the middle..

A year later and my own “event” has passed and I seem to have made it through. Emotions no longer run as high and the hours no longer take as long to pass. I can remember the days as if they were yesterday. The times when I was referred to as part of a duo and not just as a solo act. I think I reveled in that fact and relaxed backwards, letting myself just drift. The individual days meant nothing because the whole of the thing was just so good. I always had plenty of time, time to relax, time to breathe, time to consider what my next goal would be without having to settle on any one thing.

Then the other half was gone.  The public entity that existed was no more.  I was a single, not a double and I suddenly had people acting as if I was a broken thing. People who I had seen so much of before suddenly viewed me as someone to keep at a distance. Through no fault of my own I was forgotten. Just by some that is, but thankfully I did have more than a few friends and thankfully the rest stepped in and filled the friend void.

For a while I thought I could continue everything like it was, because some of the best parts of my life were spent out and about, with friends, seeing and doing new things. But now I had no one to come back to and talk about it with. No one to compare and contrast, no one to create shared moments that could be contrasted with the moments alone and reveled in. No more plans to make, just the final plans that were already made that had to be lived through alone.

I didn’t want to talk about my feelings but knew I would eventually. For friends that asked I told them exactly what happened how it was that I went from couple to single in five days. I told them how I was as good as can be expected but in my own reality was much worse. I was damaged with far more stress in my recent memory than I think I deserved. Everything else I could handle but this final disruption I could not take and go on as before. For the benefit of everyone on the outside looking in I tried to be the most giving of myself and providing of a good time as I could. But the reserves of this goodwill are not infinite, The heart of the party can beat only so much without blood of life for itself.

Now I know my focus must be on new things but some things are hard to leave behind. Especially when I remember so many good times that just happen to have occurred during those times when I existed as part of a couple. I am no longer that person. So now in finding my new self I have to put even more energy into it. What was good enough for before is no longer the best I can be. Now I have to be even more, for my family, for my friends and not try and replicate that which was already done. Goals I have let myself put far into the future I must now own up to and make them real, real now, not next month, not next year, but now. Now is the the start of that next phase. Someday is Today. Someday is Tonight.

Do something today I can be proud of... Something for me.

I will try my best.

Thanks to the places where my crew runs through:
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

9-17-10 - I Believe

I Believe...

When all has turned to dark and the path looks too shady
When nothing is too sure and all advice points to maybe
Do not start to despair and do not give in to fear
Though all around you negative is what you seem to hear

From deep within and all around the energy does swirl
From skies above to deepest earth in all parts of the world
There are the ones that know the best is still yet to be done
In different states and separate fates the best is still to come

Do not despair and dwell on those who try to break you down
Despite their fears and desperate airs you still can get the crown
No matter darkest day or night, No rivals will there be
To reign on Yours is brightest light, because I do believe.

Your square is fit, Your corner lit, there is no true surprise
Just turn your face, and in that place will be there for your eyes
Just what you need, for true indeed, just waiting patiently..
Because I’ll be, right there for thee, because yes, I believe

In You always, in your corner, in your face..
If you need me in that place
For no other function,
Than you need me. I Believe. In You.

9-07-10 - The colors brighten and then fade. But something new awaits...

Nothing spectacular to report. No new news to impart. Despite all of the wishes and hopes and fond memories nothing truly ever changes except the seasons. I still want so much for things to roll back and branch off on a high note rather than to have things be mundane and urbane and so normal when even a chaos would liven up the regularity that seems to roll in off the waves of the ocean.

I still have hopes, desires, dreams, and plans that I want so much to be able to complete. Music to mix, Songs to sing, stories to write, good times to be had. Friends to enjoy all of these things with over and over again. I am so happy my family and friends have decided to really do their best to just be there, understanding even with no words needed, to have people around you that simply care. New adventures have been enjoyed, new friends have been met, and still the best of times I look forward to lay before me.

Just waiting idly by while so much has been undone would be kind of awful as well. When the days seem to just run together and I feel like I’ve been disconnected, rubbed raw, over-sensitized to just about anything new happening around me, then maybe I need to change. I’ve been a proponent of good change for as long as I can remember but have been letting everything in my vicinity stay the same. I think I will let some things end naturally and I guess I will allow them to stay in the past. But not everything should fade. Some things I want, and even need to grow and brighten and crystallize into something even I don’t know the full design of yet.

If we could plan out every conceivable path then I’m sure we would grow bored when there were no surprises. I have enjoyed the surprises and the well laid plans so far and so I look forward to so many more. As the summer ends, and the days grow shorter and the nights expand to darken to each horizon I know I will be here still. Being sad and idle does not call to me and it never would be something I would choose. I look forward to taking part in something amazing and I know that it’s very possible that something amazing will happen soon. I am happy to know amazing people, I know I am capable of things that are new and amazing in their own right, and nothing I have seen so far changes that feeling. In life, In love, In dreams, In all of the above.

Hanging out with the guys at:
Gym G Lounge Splash

8-16-10 - Summer in the City. If you haven't been having fun, mores the pity…

Summer Nights

Fending off a summer cold is not anyone’s idea of a good time. Thankfully things have been mostly under control. Fun with family and fun times with friends all at the appropriate times and places. I do miss the summer travel this year but thankfully the city has plenty to occupy oneself with even when you see the same places week in and week out.

I have kept an upbeat outlook despite the sameness that has seemed to creep in. To assist with this I have started helping my friends with their various projects, entertainments and events. I have plenty of things to do already but the quiet moments have started to last far too long, especially outside of the weekend so maybe being seen and seeing the scene at new times and places will awaken my own creativity and need to express.

It has been a cool, cool summer so far. I think the rest of summer days and nights will be great as well. I will do my part. I’m sure all of the other people will be on board with that as well.

Special thanks to
Gym
G Lounge
Splash

7-13-10 - Hearts will go on, and not catch on the first driftwood that floats by..

I know I am far more emotional lately than I ever used to be. I had walls and emotional defenses in place that would shame fortified bunkers. I could look hurt and move on quickly while never forgetting the exchange took place. My emotions were my own and only shared at points of my choosing. I never had to worry about embarrassing myself via emotional outburst.

Well those days are no longer. While that might seem like a bad thing at first I can say that what I’ve lost in fortification I’ve gained in sensitivity. I see more and feel more and acknowledge that more things can affect me. I watch and learn but I also take away emotional undertones and know how simple acts can mean much more on a grander scale to some.

When someone offers you something that you do not want, yet you do not want to hurt that persons feelings, Maybe you just feel too much. When you realize you have only known that person for 2 days and so then WANT to hurt their feelings because it would not mean as much as hurt feelings weeks or months later, maybe you just feel too much.

Looking back I can see where I should have just gotten to the point. Knowing that my time and lifetime are far too valuable to waste on pointless exercises with pointless people. If ever faced with the same or similar situation of course I know what I would say and do.

But to get through the lesson the first time is always so hard. It left echoes in my lifetime for days. It makes me angry (still) just to think that someone actually thought they could have my best interests at heart, better than I know for myself. Especially after only knowing me for 2 days.

A light in the middle of the darkness is still a light. It attracts all kinds of things to the glow but really just wants to be next to another light. The twinned glow can look beautiful from a distance but may end up being just a xenon light and a firefly. I will save my own light for a glow that is as bright as my own. I will not settle for an insect. Those I will shoo away and if they won’t go away quietly, then those I will give a healthy swat and then move on.

Sorry witnesses to my emotions, I will be more fun next time:
Gym,  G Lounge, and Splash

6-11-10 - And Then We Must Ask. Why Man Babies. Why?

Why is it when people do not get what they want they must revert to the most childish moments of their lives and start to call people names. These same people who have up to that point, guided them through the most interesting and enlightening parts of the night of their simple life up till this point. This appears to be especially true for the tourist who thinks they are coming to New York and know it all, done it all, and can teach a city person a thing or to.

But then when the city person (or people) do not act like they do on reality television then that city person must be lacking in personality, or realness, or are too jaded to relate to “real” people who happened to crawl out of the depths of the middle of nowhere.

Excuse me but if there were lessons to be learned by living in the middle of nowhere then everyone would be flocking in that direction instead of the opposite of what they do right now and yesterday (and tomorrow). I can do my best to be nice, to show a person a good time, (and their twin sister), and even treat the person to food at the all night bakery. But when someone insists on projecting their own insecurities on the new city people they just met, just because they didn’t get their way, and start to denigrate those same friendly city folk they met, then that is when their own immaturity is brought to light. Projecting petty insecurities and unmet desires on people who only were only trying to be nice is a sad way to go through life silly sonny.

I take notice and realize what a wasted effort it was to try and pull their personality out of the tar pit it was stuck in. I thought I met someone who wanted to learn something, who just before had been asking good questions, and not a been there/done that know-it-all old man in a man-baby's body. I thought I met someone who could be cool, not a prima donna. But as they say time and time again: You cannot make a country mouse into a city mouse. Even if the country mouse is big in their own borough of the hamlet. They just do not compare to the complexity of the mindset of someone who lives, breathes and watches the tourist personality come and go like the tides. I guess (and know) I would do better to devote my energy to those more mature ones, instead of burning through energy trying to save those who are not ready to be pulled onto the raft of reason. The ones who must stay adrift and just attract the sharks and other scavengers before they are ready to face the reality of their situation. And maybe then finally do what must be done. To Grow Up.

Not really sorry that I am sounding "jaded" myself for writing this but I guess I deserve what I get when I try to hang out with the traveling and immature.

As I visited:
Gym Splash