1/9/2010 - Spaces left empty and Space-bags

So I decided to save on the monthly fee and get all of my stuff out of storage. Thank goodness my sister, brother and cousin were available to help me move my stuff. Crates of comic books, my portable gas grill, books and some stuff that really should have been thrown away (a joystick for the PC, a book on mail-order shopping, etc.). This reorganization is going to take a while but I needed to clean my house up anyway. Finding places to put all of this stuff forces me to go ahead and do it.

I actually went the infomercial route (on the website) and bought space-bags (hyphen added by me). They do the job except for the fact that an extra large bag becomes an extra heavy clothes-brick when it is full. Lifting that bag onto the closet shelf was an upper body workout for sure.

I also have to find out a place to donate all of my old sneakers (thanks again storage) that I forgot I owned. Hopefully a drop-off will be located soon.

I am very happy to say that I even went to the gym this week (more than once) and plan on doing so more regularly than before. I have been paying for this gym membership every month and it really is irresponsible to let that money go to waste. I will set aside the time and take care of myself like I am supposed to. Thank goodness I did not go to seed and can still wear all of my clothes. I don't wanna go soft when I have no excuse.

This new year I have decided to not waste time doing the same old things. I will be direct with myself, with my friends and stop letting people take advantage of my time and effort (and limited funds). Everything must have limits.

On the nightlife side I have tried to check out new venues (Rock Bar, The F Word party at Club Rebel) and have had fun with my friends new and old.

Last night (3am) I even got to break up a fight (same fight 3 times until one of the participants was dragged away by security). I didn't spill my beer and no one left any blood on the dancefloor (thankfully), no matter how dramatic it appeared to the onlookers. Afterwards I stayed awake (barely) on the way home and remembered to brush my teeth before I went to bed. The teeth brushing when you are drop dead tired is something I promised I would do so my mouth would not taste like beer in the morning.

I still have a lot to do. I let everything just pile on until the end of last year felt like I was getting crushed. The happy face that everyone saw every weekend was a cruel facade over my pain but the emotional lumps have receded (a little) and I am no longer as spiritually wounded as I was in the months past.

People say you start out the year as you want it to continue. If I let myself stand still then I will be still with nothing to look forward to but empty gestures. If nothing happens I have no one to blame but myself. I have rested on my complacency laurels for long enough. Now I can get up off the floor and come out kicking (and swinging if necessary). My life needed a swift kick and now I'm going to prove that no life injury is too big to recover from.

I will not forget what got me to this point. The love of one and the love of the many helped me be who I am. And I will love again.

Special shout out to my bar/club friends at
Gym
Splash

12-11-09 Winding Down but not Finished Yet..

I have not posted in like forever. I guess putting the words to page was just more than I could actually manage. Life keeps you busy. But it also throws you for a loop when you least expect it. Things End. Some things stay the same. I wanted to be one of the things that stay the same but It gets real hard sometimes. My weekend was always the place where I was able to be myself and retreat from the real world. That's what this blog was all about when I started it. Gradually I got more comfortable sharing not just my fun side but parts of myself. I started writing about real life. But real life came up behind me and threw me under the bus.

I never wanted to provide enough information beyond names and places so that I would ever embarrass myself, or my friends or any of the places I hang out.

However it gets really hard to stay happy and upbeat when tragedy hits you at home. My world is far different now.
I'm still myself.
I still have a good time.
I still have my friends
(friends who have been there for me and given me the strong shoulder to lean on, and cry next to and give me the toast to life that I needed and still need).
But things will never be the same. Now that the writing drought is broken maybe I will remember to write more often. (Hopefully my other writing will also be done on a more regular basis also)

Hopefully next year will be SOOO much better. It can't get much worse. But I still (currently) have a place to live, an internet connection and HD television. Without those things I think I would have gone mad long ago.

My emotions are always right under the surface now so when I am alone I am sensitive and loud but am also more empathetic than I've ever been in my whole life. Fresh pain does that to you I guess. Time heals all wounds I'm told. I'll see.

Thank goodness for friends, music, and places to go and dance (and have a good drink).

Clean - Hmm. I guess I have not tried hard enough

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10-27-09 - Alone

The clock dials move, the time goes past and I feel the dark enfold
The hours crawl by and days roll on as I feel the time get old
I wonder if I should move, I wonder if I should think
Maybe I’ll just go to the kitchen, and get myself a drink
I cannot change the past as much as I need
I want there to be a future where I do not move at this speed

The empty space grows larger, just how large I cannot tell.
The gnawing inside myself for now I cannot dispel
The presence and the life once led are something sorely missed
While others reach from afar to save me from the abyss
The tunnel of dark stretches onward and deep, no light is there in sight
In brightest part of the coldest day the time still feels like night

From dawn to dusk, from horizon to hill,
The valley is wider and the river is not filled
It’s said Time heals all things and makes pain go away
But that time is not now, and that time is not today
The world has changed and we are here to stand witness
What is gone is still gone and forever is what is missed
When no one else is there and friends return to where they dwell
That is when I am alone, and my heart is alone as well

10-18-09 - Back from There

I know I said I was not going away for vacation but hey sometimes we need to get away. I took the ride up with Carlo, Rob, and Trec and hung out for the weekend in Montreal. I enjoyed time by myself in between the parties as well as the city and meeting new friends and did plenty of dancing the night away.

I feel good to have come back clear-headed and upbeat with plenty of good times with friends and good music to remember.

Thinking more and more about what my plans past the time of vacation, it seems to be I think I am still up in the air but at the same time my thoughts are settling down. The flux of events is rolling by in ways both expected and unexpected. Despite the madness that keeps occurring I am enjoying myself regardless. As I must.

My friends seem to be in flux now too. From growing more distant, to growing closer to just acting strangely. I think sometimes I just need to be there to witness and to catalyze the changes. The chaos has no meaning without a witness to tell the tale. I will watch, wonder, and then smile..

Special thanks on my multiple nights out in the city:
Gym
Splash